STOLEN CARS USED BY TERRORISTS
Topic: July 18, 2007

RING

"Stockwell Day here, can I help you?"

"My Lexus was stolen."

"Oh my, that’s awful."
"Yes, that’s why I called. It is awful. I want you to get it back."

"Isn’t that a job for the police?"

"I thought so, but they referred me to your office. Something about you being in charge of border security?"

"What do stolen cars have to do with border security?"

"Apparently terrorists overseas are using them as car bombs or to finance their activities."

"Oh my, that’s awful."

"Yes, I know. So it’s important for you to act."

"What can I do?"

"I’ve used my GPS installed in my car to track it. It’s sitting in a container about to be loaded onto a ship called the Black Pearl. I suspect that there are dozens of stolen cars being loaded onto this ship."

"Oh my, that’s awful."

"You keep saying that, just do something!"

"One of my aides has informed me that we have been aware of this problem for over a year now and you can rest assured that we will be acting quickly to resolve this matter in the very near future."

"That’s more like it. Are you going to have the Canadian Border Service swoop in there?"
"We have something a little less stringent in mind."

"And pray tell, what would that be?"

"I have half a mind to fire off a terse letter to them. No, wait… make that two letters. That should get the ball rolling."

CLICK

HARPER TO VISIT CARIBBEAN AND LATIN AMERICA
Topic: July 10, 2007
"I'm freezing, I want to go somewhere warm. All this talk of arctic sovereignty has given me the shivers."
"But you were in Esquimalt. That's on Vancouver Island, it has one of, if not the most, moderate climates in Canada."
"I said I want to go somewhere warm-er."
"Speaking of the Arctic, do you really think it's a good idea not to buy the icebreakers you promised?"
"Icebreakers? In a few years there won't be much ice left up there, then we'll see who gets the last laugh. Those ships will be able to cruise all year round."
"If we did our part to combat global warming, perhaps we'd still need icebreakers."
"Ha. That was funny. Seriously now, I think we should do a tour of Latin America. I could really use a decent cup of coffee."
"Okay, you're the boss."
"Maybe a pina colada too, let's do the Caribbean while we're at it."
"Do you think this trip is a good idea?"
"You must be new here. If we're going to keep exporting jobs out of Canada, we have to forge friendships with those countries. If we get an incidental tan or bottle of rum out of the deal, so be it."
"But some of these areas have less than desirable working conditions. Child labour, sweatshops you name it."
"Exactly! No pesky laws or regulations to get in our way down there. Now don't forget my pirating outfit. I want to blend in with the locals. Har-har, Harper."
"Sigh."

CAREER BUREAUCRAT NAMED NEW RCMP BOSS
Topic: July 6, 2007
"Thanks for coming to see us Bill."
"No, thank you Mr. Day and Mr. Harper. It's always an honour to serve at the Prime Minister's pleasure."
"I suppose you're wondering why we've called you down here."
"Well, I admit, I am a bit curious."
"What are your thoughts on the RCMP?"
"A nasty bit of bad press lately."
"We're looking to make a change. Make it look like we're doing something, er, ah, progressive."
"I see. What are your thoughts? You're not still thinking about changing it to the RCMPCP are you?"
"No, that's for later. Before we change the name to the Royal Canadian Mounted Progressive Conservative Police, we need someone at the helm that understands bureaucracy, someone like yourself."
"Me? Are you serious? I'm no policeman. I have no police experience."
"That's incidental. It's never stopped us before. Look at Ambrose, heck, look at me. I'm the Minister of Public Safety... do you think I had any experience? Lack of experience has never stopped this government."
"What about the perception that the RCMP is supposed to be an arms distance from the government?"
"The RCMP will still be an arms distance away, albeit a short arm, a very short arm."
"Do I get to wear the Red Serge?"
"We're thinking of changing that. Red, communism, you know. Maybe a Blue Serge is in order? A Progressive Blue Serge?"
"I like it."
"Think of us as an extension of the force, we always get our man, and you're it."

TIMBITS USED IN DRIVE BY
Topic: June 27, 2007
"Car 54, where are you?"
"We're 10-7. I'm debriefing the kid."
"10-4, 54."
"You okay kid?"
"Uh sure, Sarge, I'm okay..."
"Listen kid, you're new to the streets. Something like this will either break you or make you as a cop. You understand?"
"Sure Sarge, sure."
"I mean it kid. It's crap like this that shakes your faith in the thin blue line."
"I'm trying Sarge, but since I graduated from The Academy, it's been a string of disappointments. It's always something."
"For instance?"
"How was I supposed to know you don't field test coke by dipping your finger in it and tasting it?"
"I could have warned you, but the way you learned, you'll remember it forever."
"But I looked stupid."
"We've all been there kid. You got to tough it out."
"Hey, I've seen bad things, car accidents, homicides, domestics, you name it. But why don't they teach you about something like this in The Academy."
"Sometimes they can only teach you to expect the unexpected. You got to turn off your emotions or it'll eat you up inside."
"This doesn't bother you? It's such a waste!"
"Try not to dwell on it, and yes, it bothers me."
"Sarge?"
"Ya?"
"I was thinking... do you think they recovered all those Timbits from the scene?"
"Maybe not..."
"If we hurry over there, maybe we can get to them before the K-9 unit shows up."
"Kid I think you're going to be okay. I can taste them already. Let's roll."

FEDS TO EASE WEAPONS RESTRICTIONS FOR FOREIGN OFFICERS

"Welcome to Canada sir, what is the nature of your visit?"
"I'm on a forced vacation. I'm a cop."
"Do you have anything to declare?"
"Are you talking to me?"
"Yes."
"I don't see anybody else here. Are you talking to me? We are the only ones here. Are you talking to me?"
"We? You said we?"
"I don't speak French."
"Not oui, we."
"Oh... yes... we. Smith, Wesson and me."
"What are you talking about?"
"Well, punk. I'm talking about the .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, capable of blowing your head clean off."
"I'm afraid you can't bring a firearm into Canada sir, at least not yet."
"You can take my gun when you pry it from my cold dead fingers."
"I'm afraid I'll have to insist."
"You just have to ask yourself one question, punk. Do I feel lucky? Well, punk, do you feel lucky? Well do you... Punk?"
"Lucky or not, I still have to seize your weapon."
"Go ahead, make my day."
ZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTT
"What was that?"
"I'm dreadfully sorry old man, I could see that chap was giving you a spot of trouble so, I gave him a few volts from my old graduating class taser ring. He'll be coming around soon, I suggest you disarm him before he does."
"Thanks, uh, er?"
"Bond, James Bond. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some rather pressing matters to attend to in this charming country of yours."
"Not so fast there Mr. Bond."

CHARTER PROTECTS COLLECTIVE BARGAINING
Topic: June 8, 2007
"Move that pile of crap!"
"Where to?"
"Over there, with that other crap."
"This stuff stinks, can I get a mask?"
"No."
"Is this even safe to handle?"
"I'm sure it's fine, trust me."
"It sure is heavy. I think I'm going to need a hand moving this stuff."
"Sorry. We're short again. You'll have to do it yourself."
"Maybe you could help?"
"Sorry. Managers can't help."
"I think I hurt my back."
"Better take it easy for five minutes. Relax those muscles. We'll call it your lunch break."
"But-"
"Okay. That's long enough. Back to work."
"But-"
"But nothing. Oh, when you finish, you can clean out your locker. This'll be your last day."
"What?"
"We're hiring non-union people for 25 cents an hour less. Think of the money we'll save. Think of the bonus I'll get."
"I don't think you can do that."
"We already have. The provincial government said we could."
"I don't care. It's not right. Our union will stick up for us."
"No, I don't think they'll be able to do anything for you at all, heh heh."
"I guess you haven't seen the papers today then have you?"
"I've been too busy watching you work."
"The Supreme Court says that Campbell's government was wrong. They shouldn't have done it. I bet those employees get compensated."
"Let me see that... Why don't I go find you some help, a mask and uh, oh yeah, about this being your last day?"
"Yes?"
"That was a joke."

CIBC Faces Lawsuit Over Unpaid Labor
Topic: June 5, 2007
"How many hours does it take to do this work?"
"If we add in the extras like customer interruptions, the average time is 42 to 45 hours per week."
"That just won't do. For what matters is the bottom line."
"But sir, that's what it takes. We ran the numbers over and over again. Extrapolated them to thousands of employees across the country it still works out the same."
"What about non-management, front -line types?"
"We've managed to increase their workloads, however the time it takes still falls within the 42 to 45 hour mark."
"Suggestions?"
"I think we could simply decrease their workload so that they don't have to work any extra time."
"Ha. That was funny. I haven't laughed like that in a long time. Now seriously, as though your job depends on it, give me another option."
"How about this. We have them do the extra work. We just don't pay them for it."
"I like it. Tell me more."
"We give them their timesheets to fill in. If they start to write in any overtime hours, we have managers looking over their shoulders going HARUMPH."
"Do you think it'll work?"
"Oh, I think we'll be able to get away with it for quite some time."
"Let's hope so. Now, onto other business. If we can maintain this level, what will our bonuses be?"
"I've got a team working 45 hours a week on that sir. Early estimates show they could be big, really, really big."

O CONNOR INSISTS FUNERALS ARE COVERED RAIL SAFETY NEW ALLEGATIONS AGAINST RCMP
Topic: May 29, 2007
"How's things in O'Connors office?"

"It couldn't be better."

"Really? Even after he claimed that the entire cost of slain soldier's funerals were covered?"

"Sssh hang on, the rail guy's teeing off...wow! What a shot! Off the tee box, off the tree, just missed the beer cart girl and look at that, his ball is just off the side of the duck pond. Hey... it looks like it's leaking something. Nice shot Cliff."

"Ya, well if it wasn't for the sun shining and those striking greens keepers, I'd have had an ace."

"So, back to O'Connor. What's your prescription for our Defence Minister this time?"

"Same old, same old. We'll keep him out of sight for a few days. Then he'll turn up in Afghanistan with a few celebrities."

"Think it'll work again?"

"What's the matter? Don't you support our troops?"

"Wha-... of course I do... oh... you got me. Ha ha!"

"So what's your treatment plan of the RCMP?"

"We're going with aggressive denial therapy followed up with a lengthy head in the sand treatment."

"Sounds good. This lie of mine won't do."

"Which one?"

"I meant my ball."

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's too far."

"Too far?"

"Too far from the hole."

"Nudge it up a little. No-one's looking. Spring rules."

"I've got a better idea. Why don't we call it a game, head to the lounge and add up our scores?"

"But I haven't even teed off yet!"

"So? Theoretically, we could break the course record."

"Again?"

CPR WORKERS WALK OFF THE JOB ACROSS CANADA
Topic: May 16, 2007
"How do you respond to 1200 track and maintenance workers walking off the job?"
"Let them eat cake."
"How Victorian. Is that to say you are unconcerned?"
"We have over 1300 managers set aside trained to take over in such a situation. They can handle it."
"1300? That's a lot of managers. Will your management operations suffer as a result of that many being away from their regular duties?"
"Hardly. I doubt their absence will even be noticed."
"So, you're confident that this management team will be able to perform the work needed?"
"Of course. We predicted this long ago and prepared for it."
"How did you predict this?"
"You can only keep riff-raff like this down for so long before they start squawking. The way we've been treating them for the past few years, we're only surprised that it took them this long to call us on it."
"Can you guarantee safety will not be an issue what with managers performing these duties instead of the rank and file?"
"I find words like guarantee and safety to be ugly in a situation such as this. Next question?"
"You mentioned training. Would you care to elaborate on what kind of training these managers received in order to prepare them for this?"
"Well, if you insist."
"I do."
"Very well then, at a great expense, we bought the best model train sets we could find. Every manager has spent countless hours in his or her basements preparing for this. They're ready."

 

GREYHOUND EMPLOYEES SET TO STRIKE
Topic: May 15, 2007
"Hello there young man. My name is Mildred. I'm off to see my grandkids in Vancouver."
"Pleased to meet you Mildred. The name's John."
"This is all so exciting. I haven't been off the farm in forty years. These busses sure got fancy John."
"They are comfortable and it's way cheaper than flying. I've logged a lot of miles on theses buses, part of the job. There are definitely worse ways to travel."
"My, my, my, just look at all this traffic."
"That's the other reason I like taking the bus, no driving stress for me."
"That poor driver. Why is that man behind him yelling mush all the time?"
"Must be a company man. Wow, look at him go!"
"Whose picture is that up at the front of the bus?"
"Oh, that's George Bush. The company is owned by Americans, they're just being patriotic."
"Is that why they made us take the Pledge of Allegiance before we boarded?"
"I guess so. When we reach Calgary, they'll play the Star Spangled Banner. It's a good idea to stand up and sing along."
"I'll do no such thing!"
"I said it's a good idea to stand up and sing. You don't want to cause any trouble do you? It's been okayed by the Harper Government."
"Well I don't care, I won't do it."
"Perhaps I should have made my introduction more formal. I'm Agent Smith, John Smith, Bus Marshall. You'll sing or it's the cargo hold for you."
"Oh my heavens."