CANADIAN ACTIVIST JAILED FOR LIFE MCKAY TO DISCUSS WITH OFFICIALS
Topic: April 19, 2007
"Where the hell is my silk kimono?"
"It's in the closet beside your safari outfit."
"Where - oh, here it is thanks. Now where are my Ray-Bans?"
"The cool looking aviator glasses?"
"Yeah, the Ray-Bans."
"I don't think those are appropriate for your trip to China Peter."
"Why not? "
"You'll be so busy cow-towing and bowing to the Chinese authorities that you won't have time to worry about the sun getting in your eyes."
"But what if I want to stop by Kandahar on the way home?"
"Hmmm, you're right, you better pack them. I think I saw them on the dash of your SUV."
"Gotta multi-task. If the Liberals pressure a non-confidence vote, another photo-op can't hurt."
"That's the other reason why your mission to China on Celil's behalf is so important."
"Why is that?"
"If we can get him out of jail over there we'll be heroes! Just think of the positive spin we can put on it. We'll be in power for years to come!"
"Is this guy as bad as they say he is?"
"It's hard to say. I'm sure that the authorities, no matter what government is involved, would have to be pretty certain that he is guilty of something before tossing him in jail."
"You gotta be able to trust your governments. One government's activist is another's terrorist."
"It's too bad we can't throw activists in jail here too."
"Yes I know, but be patient. All in good time, all in good time."

BRITISH CREW TO BE RELEASED
Topic: April 4, 2007
"By Jove old boy, bully, I repeat, bully, what a lovely jubbly."
"I must say, that certainly was as bent as a nine-bob note those Iranian chaps taking our lads captive like that, I must say."
"Right. Quite right. But we knew all along it was a game with two halves. It certainly looked like the whole mess had gone up the spout but as sure as Bob's your uncle, it came out tickety boo in the end."
"More tea?"
"Yes quite."
"Crumpet?"
"Well, I'm not made of stone am I?"
"Haw, haw, I must say, haw haw."
"Did you ever notice that their president, er, what's his name?"
"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?"
"Yes, that's the chap. Have you ever noticed he looks an awful lot like that Amercian actor, Jamie Farr?"
"I hadn't noticed, but now that you mention it, yes, yes he does."
"Well, I'm bursting! Aren't you going to tell me how you managed it?"
"Managed what?"
"This whole situation was two steps beyond barking yet you pulled it out of the fire. How man, how?"
"Actually, I sought out the best strategists I could. Bush offered to help but since he was sort of to blame we felt it best if we handled it the old fashioned British way."
"Good god man you can't be serious!"
"When British lives are at stake there can be no half-measures."
"You mean..."
"Right on the button old boy, we bored them into releasing our team."
"Good show old man. Good show."

NO BAN FOR TIE DOMI SAYS OFFICIAL
Topic: April 3, 2007
"I want to speak to somebody in charge... NOW!"
"I'm sorry sir and you are?"
"Domi. Tie Domi."
"I see Mr. Dummy."
"It's Domi, D-O-M-I. You follow?"
"Sorry Mr. er, Domi. Do you have an appointment?"
"I'm Tie Domi. I don't make appointments. I break them. You follow?"
"I'm afraid I don't, sorry."
"I said I want to speak to someone in charge you F---ing F---!"
"I could let you speak to Carolyn Stewart-Olsen."
"Who the F--- is she?"
"She's the Prime Minister's Press Secretary. Oh, here she is now?"
"May I help you?"
"You in charge here."
"You could say that, just don't quote me on that."
"I want to know what makes you so F---ing special."
"Now see here sir, I will not be spoken to like that in my own office."
"I'm a taxpayer and you're gonna F---ing listen. You follow?"
"What is it you want?"
"I want to know why in the F--- Belinda isn't getting more time on question period. I want you to put her out front and center. Every F---ing time there's an important issue. Her F---ing opinion is better than most of the pencil neck geeks you have her surrounded by."
"Uh, Mr. Domi. I think you've made a terrible mistake."
"I don't make mistakes. I break them. You follow?"
"I'm afraid you don't, follow. You see, this is Prime Minister Harper's office. Belinda Stronach doesn't work here anymore. You want Stephane Dion's office."
"Sorry."

MPs MAKE SUPROSE VISIT TO AFGHANISTAN
Topic: April 2, 2007

"Which ones do you like Vic?"
"I'm not sure. Try the other pair on again."
"How's this?"
"Yeah. That looks better. The aviator glasses make you look way cooler."
"Really?"
"Of course...and I'm not just saying that either. I'm not very fond of these flack jackets though."
"They're standard issue on every photo-op mission Vic. You know that."
"I don't see anybody on the base wearing them. It's not like we're going out into the field are we?"
"You can take it off as soon as the press corps is finished with us."
"But it makes me look fat."
"You should have thought have that before you scarffed down all those free doughnuts from Melnyk. Besides you really don't look fat, I'd say more... authoritative."
"Speaking of the Ottawa Senators owner, did you get a jersey too?"
"I got two! I just didn't want to cover up these flak jackets."
"Where's Helen?"
"I think she was getting a few more minutes in the tanning booth on the plane before coming out. We can't elect pale members of parliament. They all have to have that authentic Afghan tan for their campaign photos.
"She better hurry. It sure is hot here Stockwell."
"Here have some of my sunblock, it helps."
"Thanks. Do you have any lip balm?"
"Regular or mint?"
"Mint. Thanks."
"I think we're almost done."
"I guess Helen will have to wait for the next trip. Can we stop over in Dubai on the way back?"
"Of course."

SHIFT BORDER GUARD FOCUS TO SECURITY SAYS REPORT
Topic: March 27, 2007
"Have you anything to declare?"
"Yes. I've been in this line for over two hours. There were only five cars in the line."
"So what's your point?"
"My point is I'm a Canadian citizen. It shouldn't take this long to get back into my own country!"
"I'm sure you can appreciate that since 911, defending our borders has become of prime importance. Park there please."
"What for? I've nothing to declare this trip."
"Listen sir, you want across the border. I want you across the border. If you pay duty on something, we can let you across. What do we have to do to get you across the border today?"
"Lift up the gate and let me through."
"Hmmm. Petty, our duty sniffing dog will check your car."
"What for?"
"To give you time to browse our new duty-free shop we've set up to increase border revenues. Do you have an Air Miles card sir?"
"Of course but-"
"If we find any undeclared beer or cigarettes in your vehicle, you qualify for double air miles! It's a special promotion my supervisor is running this week."
"I told you I have nothing."
"You might be interested in checking your lottery tickets at our Ontario Lotteries Gaming kiosk located near the cash register, you wouldn't believe what a money maker it is."
"I have nothing to declare! And what is an Ontario Lotteries kiosk doing here? This B.C.!"
"I've said too much. Please step through the door marked Security Certificate Detainees...Next!"

BANK OF CANADA SPENDS 284K ON IN HOUSE DINING
Topic: March 26, 2007
"Dodge, I hate to complain but this soup is cold."
"Jean Paul! Jean Paul!"
"Oui Monsieur Dodge?"
"The Prime Minister's soup is cold."
"Cucumber soup is supposed to be served cold Monsieur Dodge."
"Couldn't you zap it for a few seconds?"
"Oui Monsieur."
"Throw in a few chunks of something expensive in it while you're at it."
"Sigh...Oui Monsieur."
"I have to hand it to you Dodge, this is a great dining room you got here."
"Thanks. It certainly cuts down on our entertainment expenses. We above all else, need to show physical responsibility."
"I noticed you have a separate cafeteria for the rest of the employees."
"But of course. You wouldn't want to stand in line with all that riff raff now would you?"
"Good heaven's no."
"And besides, only executives eat for free, the rabble has to pay."
"Sounds fair to me, I'll give this some serious thought. I wonder if I can get a personal chef of my own. Or better yet, a chef for each member of cabinet."
"Think of the money your government would save on dining out! You'd be an inspiration to Canadians everywhere. I'll give you some advice though, if you have a cafeteria set up for the help, be sure to install an Ontario Lotteries Kiosk in it as well. That's when the real money starts to come in."
"Wink wink."
"Nudge nudge."
"Your Lobster and Cucumber Soup sir."
"I've changed my mind, I want it cold."
"Sigh. Oui, Monsieur."

CANADA TO TAKE ACTIVE ROLL IN CLIMATE CHANGE SUMMIT
Topic: March 15, 2007
"George Bush here."
"Thanks for taking the call George, it's Stephen Harper."
"Harper... Harper... Harper?"
"The Prime Minister of Canada. Stephen Harper."
"Oh right... Harper. How's it going Stevie?"
"Well, it could better."
"Go ahead, explain."
"I sent O'Connor and Hillier to Afghanistan like you said. But the results were less than spectacular."
"How so?"
"The missing prisoners. The ones we handed over to the Afghan authorities. They're still nowhere to be found. Despite the meetings, it doesn't sound promising that any new ones we hand over in the future won't suffer the same fate."
"Just tell people that they escaped. Yeah, that's it. Escaped. Heh heh."
"I'll try but I doubt anyone will buy it, what with reports of battlefield executions by the Afghan army."
"Ignore those."
"We're trying."
"Listen Stevie, when something isn't working, don't give up, just keep making mistake after mistake. That's how we learn. From our mistakes. The more we make, the more we learn in the long run heh heh."
"Hillier didn't help, suggesting that progress was being made by seeing grape huts."
"Grape Huts? Is that some kind of breakfast cereal?"
"Beats me."
"I doubt anyone paid much attention to that. Did your PR guys get any footage?"
"Of course. Bureaucrats in fatigues. The usual stuff."
"Good. Now all you gotta do is take the focus off Afghanistan for a bit. Give ‘em a bit of domestic stuff."
"I'll have Baird make a statement on the environment."
"Semper Fi Stevie. Semper Fi."

O'CONNOR TO MEET WITH AFGHAN HUMAN RIGHTS LEADER
Topic: March 13, 2007
"Those were some great shots of you in battle fatigues Gordon."
"Thanks. My tailor had a heck of a time fitting me for them."
"How'd the meeting go with the Afghan Human Rights leader?"
"Noorzai? Well, he couldn't make it, but we're hoping to meet tomorrow. In the meantime, it giveS me more opportunities to get my picture taken."
"See that you do. It's important you maximize any opportunity you can. The fate of this government relies heavily on this. Our PR department is concerned that once an election is called, we won't have enough images of our team leading the fight against those who oppose us."
"Are we talking about the Taliban here?"
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm talking about the fight against the Liberals, NDP and Greens."
"It's too bad they had to cut those scenes from our recruitment ads Defence has been running on the TV."
"Yes, I'm still having trouble wrestling with that one but it's all a matter of timing. Once an election is called we'll be able to flaunt images of all the work, you, Hillier and MacKay have been doing over there. While you're in battle fatigues, they're wearing suits and ties, whining about the environment. They won't be able to compete."
"Let's hope not. Say, I hear Kahn's in the area?"
"Yes. He is."
"Why don't you have him pop over for drinks?"
"I'll do that, in the meantime, don't forget to ask about the detainees."
"The detainees? Oh yeah, right...the detainees."

U.S. SENATORS ASK CANADA TO STOP PIRATING MOVIES
Topic: March 7, 2007

"Har Har, avast ye thar matey, Har Har!"
"So you're the one responsible for the devastation in the United States!"
"No Mate. That privilege belongs to one of your own lad."
"I happen to be a United States Senator! How dare you accuse us, of anything."
"Would it not be your glorious and brave leader, George Bush who is responsible? Let's face it Mate, he's got you at war , he spending billions from your treasure chests. There's a man that what ought to be keelhauled."
"We're not talking about that kind of devastation. We're talking about your bands of roving Canadians, trolling the movie theatres with a video camera in one hand and a disdain for American copyright law in the other."
"Well shiver me timbers! Are ye be trying to yet again influence Canadian Law? While at the same time ye be deporting away our citizens for torture, imprisoning 9 year old boys and their parents and dressing them up like convicts? You've dragged our sweet innocent boys and girls into a war in Afghanistan and yet you dare to trifle with our laws? Soon ye will be having us be careful what we write or think or maybe ye be having us attend a good old fashioned book burning? AAARRRGH!"
"This kind of reaction will not be viewed kindly by the entertainment industry."
"Well then, be gone! And hereafter let it be drawn on all your maps that anything north of the 49th parallel, thar be dragons!"

CASSINI SPACECRAFT CAPTURES IMAGES OF SATURN
Topic: March 2, 2007
"Mr. Harper, did you see those pictures they sent back from Saturn? Wow!"
"Saturn? What pictures? No. No, I haven't."
"They're from the Cassini spacecraft. It took numerous photographs from above Saturn. The colours, clarity and perspective are unlike any pictures we have ever seen before."
"Let me see them...Say, these are good, aren't they?"
"I told you. Look at these ones."
"Wow! You're right. It's moments like this that really tick me off."
"Tick you off sir?"
"You look at these photos and see a thing of beauty. I see a missed opportunity."
"Missed opportunity sir? I don't follow."
"As spectacular as each of these photos may be, they are still missing a crucial element."
"What would that be sir?"
"I don't see single Conservative MP in any one of them."
"You're right. I hadn't noticed."
"Come election time, we need to able produce as many pictorial essays of our MP's as possible. It's the key to our election strategy. We have countless pictures of MacKay in Afghanistan and schmoozing with Condoleeza Rice, of Baird inspecting trees and of me with world leaders. What we don't have is a picture of one of us visiting Saturn."
"But we weren't even in power when they launched this mission."
"I don't care. Let's get someone up there right away. It could be useful for future elections."
"Any suggestions on who?"
"Ambrose. It'll keep her out of my hair for awhile."
"I'll get right on it sir."
"See that you do."