O CONNOR INSISTS FUNERALS ARE COVERED RAIL SAFETY NEW ALLEGATIONS AGAINST RCMP
Topic: May 29, 2007
"How's things in O'Connors office?"

"It couldn't be better."

"Really? Even after he claimed that the entire cost of slain soldier's funerals were covered?"

"Sssh hang on, the rail guy's teeing off...wow! What a shot! Off the tee box, off the tree, just missed the beer cart girl and look at that, his ball is just off the side of the duck pond. Hey... it looks like it's leaking something. Nice shot Cliff."

"Ya, well if it wasn't for the sun shining and those striking greens keepers, I'd have had an ace."

"So, back to O'Connor. What's your prescription for our Defence Minister this time?"

"Same old, same old. We'll keep him out of sight for a few days. Then he'll turn up in Afghanistan with a few celebrities."

"Think it'll work again?"

"What's the matter? Don't you support our troops?"

"Wha-... of course I do... oh... you got me. Ha ha!"

"So what's your treatment plan of the RCMP?"

"We're going with aggressive denial therapy followed up with a lengthy head in the sand treatment."

"Sounds good. This lie of mine won't do."

"Which one?"

"I meant my ball."

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's too far."

"Too far?"

"Too far from the hole."

"Nudge it up a little. No-one's looking. Spring rules."

"I've got a better idea. Why don't we call it a game, head to the lounge and add up our scores?"

"But I haven't even teed off yet!"

"So? Theoretically, we could break the course record."

"Again?"

CPR WORKERS WALK OFF THE JOB ACROSS CANADA
Topic: May 16, 2007
"How do you respond to 1200 track and maintenance workers walking off the job?"
"Let them eat cake."
"How Victorian. Is that to say you are unconcerned?"
"We have over 1300 managers set aside trained to take over in such a situation. They can handle it."
"1300? That's a lot of managers. Will your management operations suffer as a result of that many being away from their regular duties?"
"Hardly. I doubt their absence will even be noticed."
"So, you're confident that this management team will be able to perform the work needed?"
"Of course. We predicted this long ago and prepared for it."
"How did you predict this?"
"You can only keep riff-raff like this down for so long before they start squawking. The way we've been treating them for the past few years, we're only surprised that it took them this long to call us on it."
"Can you guarantee safety will not be an issue what with managers performing these duties instead of the rank and file?"
"I find words like guarantee and safety to be ugly in a situation such as this. Next question?"
"You mentioned training. Would you care to elaborate on what kind of training these managers received in order to prepare them for this?"
"Well, if you insist."
"I do."
"Very well then, at a great expense, we bought the best model train sets we could find. Every manager has spent countless hours in his or her basements preparing for this. They're ready."

 

GREYHOUND EMPLOYEES SET TO STRIKE
Topic: May 15, 2007
"Hello there young man. My name is Mildred. I'm off to see my grandkids in Vancouver."
"Pleased to meet you Mildred. The name's John."
"This is all so exciting. I haven't been off the farm in forty years. These busses sure got fancy John."
"They are comfortable and it's way cheaper than flying. I've logged a lot of miles on theses buses, part of the job. There are definitely worse ways to travel."
"My, my, my, just look at all this traffic."
"That's the other reason I like taking the bus, no driving stress for me."
"That poor driver. Why is that man behind him yelling mush all the time?"
"Must be a company man. Wow, look at him go!"
"Whose picture is that up at the front of the bus?"
"Oh, that's George Bush. The company is owned by Americans, they're just being patriotic."
"Is that why they made us take the Pledge of Allegiance before we boarded?"
"I guess so. When we reach Calgary, they'll play the Star Spangled Banner. It's a good idea to stand up and sing along."
"I'll do no such thing!"
"I said it's a good idea to stand up and sing. You don't want to cause any trouble do you? It's been okayed by the Harper Government."
"Well I don't care, I won't do it."
"Perhaps I should have made my introduction more formal. I'm Agent Smith, John Smith, Bus Marshall. You'll sing or it's the cargo hold for you."
"Oh my heavens."

COUNCILLOR SAYS STREETS BELONG TO HOPSCOTCH AND HOCKEY PLAYERS TOO
Topic: May 14, 2007
"Dwayne Johnson here."
"You a manager Dwayne?"
"Yes."
"Good."
"Always a pleasure to speak to a fan. What can I do for you Mr...?"
"John Carruthers. 47 Maple Street. I'm a taxpayer and I want action!"
"Oh! Old Man Carruthers! Why didn't you say so in the first place? What can the city do for you today?"
"They've gone too far! Even worse than when they were playing hockey in the streets."
"Calm down now sir. What is it? What could be worse than (shudder) street hockey?"
"You're not gonna believe it I tells ya."
"I'm a manager, I'll believe most anything I'm told."
"Well Dwayne, I hate to bring bad news to good people like yourself, I'm a retired manager myself, but those meddlesome kids have done gone and marked up a perfectly good city sidewalk."
"You're kidding."
"Wish I was Dwayne. Squares and numbers as far as the eye can see. Lines are all crooked too. I'm sure the chalk dust can't be good for my lawn neither."
"You don't mean..."
"Yep. Hopscotch."
"Those bastards! When will it ever end?"
"Never Dwayne, never. That's why you got squash this down now. Before it grows. Crush ‘em while they're young."
"I'm on it. I'll have a team down there right away. I've got a fleet of sidewalk scrubbing machines I've been itching to try out. We'll have your neighbourhood neat, organised and efficient, just the way it should be."
"Thanks Dwayne I'll sleep better knowing you're on the job."

CANADIAN QUARTERS TRIGGER SPY ALERT
Topic: May 7, 2007
"Those Canadians are out to get us."
"What is it now?"
"Their quarters. They're tracking us. I'm sure of it."
"Again with the coins Agent Smith?"
"This time it's different. Look at this."
"That's pretty neat."
"Neat? Do you call bugged quarters neat? They're onto us. I know it."
"What do you mean bugged?"
"Don't you think it's odd that of all the quarters in Canada, I end up with this?"
"My understanding is that they made over 30 million of these."
"You see! They're watching everybody! You can't trust ‘em. If they find out what we're up to, there's no telling what could happen."
"Shhh. You might be onto something."
"And why a poppy? And why are they in Afghanistan? They have poppies over there you know."
"I don't think that even the Canadians know why they're in Afghanistan, but I see your point."
"Money. Poppies. Afghanistan. I don't trust them. They're probably stockpiling the WMD's as we speak."
"We'd better get these things analyzed."
"Already done. We don't know how they're doing it."
"This could be serious. Any suggestions?"
"We need to send in an inspection team right away."
"What happens if we can't find anything?"
"They're crafty. I'll give them that. But if we search enough igloos, I'm sure we'll find ‘something' wink wink."
"Assemble a team."
"Already done."
"Where will you start?"
"The Royal Canadian Mint. It's in a remote village called Winnipeg."
"Good luck and don't forget your snowshoes."
"Already packed."
"Smith?"
"Yes?"
"Be careful."

GAS PRICES JUMP OVERNIGHT
Topic: May 1, 2007
"Wait for it... Wait... Okay now! Everyone is sleeping."
"Are you sure we should be doing this? I don't want to get into trouble."
"Trouble? We've been given the go ahead by you know who. We have full authority to be doing this. Hurry up before another car comes along."
"I think we're going to run out of sevens."
"Well then just hand me a nine."
"A nine? Can we get away with using nines?"
"Of course. A nine, a seven, it doesn't matter. It's incidental."
"But the nines are so heavy."
"Quit griping. The physical act of actually changing the numbers is the easy part. How'd you like to be the guys from the Explanation Department? Now that's got to be a tough job."
"What excuse are they using this time?"
"Something about a pirate ship near Nigeria I believe."
"You've got to be kidding!"
"No, it's true, really. Rather ingenious when you think about it. The more bizarre the story combined with it being unverifiable makes for an easier sell."
"But pirates?"
"Too many reporters and accountants were calling us on our number crunching. I'd like to see them disprove this one."
"How long have you been doing this?"
"All bloody night!"
"That's not what I meant. You must be getting to close to retirement aren't you?"
"Yeah and I can't wait. I've got a lucrative little sideline that'll make my golden years a little more comfortable. Very comfortable indeed."
"Doing what?"
"Making over-sized numbers for gas stations."

MORE STUDENTS PUNISHED OVER FACEBOOK COMMENTS
Topic: April 30, 2007

"We can't have children making rude comments about teachers! We must have discipline. We must have respect! Children should not be expressing their opinions. They need to suck it up and swallow any free thought that does not conform to this school's administrative policies."
"I'm not saying I disagree with you but I just don't know how far we can go in so much as to be invading the private lives of our students."
"It's not private when their comments are posted on the internet for millions to see."
"It's my understanding that they thought their comments were private. A peer's discussion if you will, by them and for them only."
"The internet is available to almost everyone these days."
"That may be true but who other than the kids having this ‘discussion' could possibly interested in it?"
"Well, I found out about it didn't I?"
"That brings up an interesting point? Why are you trolling conversations belonging to kids in the first place? It's kind of creepy."
"Because I knew they were talking about me. I just knew they were. And I was right! Therefore I have the right to see them punished. I want them subjugated. I want my pound of flesh. I want my revenge!"
"I think you're getting paranoid."
"Am I? Am I really? Just look at that group of kids huddled around."
"That's the football team. It's the last play. They need this to win. They're supposed to huddle."
"I bet they're talking about me."

MORE QUESTIONING EXPECTED ON AFGHAN DETAINEES
Topic: April 27, 2007
"Let's see... I think I'll have the Cowpoke Stack of Flapjacks, extra sausages and some dry white toast, what are you having Stockwell?"
"Well Gordon, I'll have a poached egg on a granola wafer and some gluten free tea."
"Excellent choices gentleman. And for you Mr. Harper?"
"Waffles! I must have waffles, forthwith. Bring me your finest assortment."
"So we have one stack of flapjacks, extra sausage, dry white toast, a poached egg on granola, gluten free tea, and the Waffles of the World?"
"That's not what I said!"
"I'm terribly sorry Mr. O'Connor, did I miss something?"
"Oatmeal. I want oatmeal. And throw some prunes in there too while you're at it."
"Excellent choice. Which would you like first, the flapjacks or the oatmeal or the dry white toast?"
"What are you talking about? I said I wanted a bowl of Sugar Crisp and toss in a few sliced strawberries before that sugarbear gets them again."
"I'm confused."
"Actually, I heard from one of my people in Afghanistan that a great way to start your day is with a bowl of wild rice with some sprouts sprinkled on top."
"I'm sorry Mr. Day, are you changing your order too?"
"I'll handle this Stockwell."
"Thanks Stephen."
"You obviously haven't been listening to what we've been saying. We're trying to order cheeseburgers."
"I thought you were ordering breakfast."
"What's the matter with you? Don't you support our troops? Gentlemen, I'd say we're ready for today's Question Period. Wouldn't you agree?"
"Agreed!"

CHILDREN NEED MORE SAY IN GOVERNMENT
Topic: April 26, 2007
"Hello boys and girls. Thank you for inviting me into your classroom. Today. And what a big class it is. There must be fifty of you crammed in here. The Senate has told me that our government has not given you a fair say in what goes on in our country. Would any of you like to say something? You. The young man in the t-shirt is it? Would you like to say something?"
"My dad says you stink."
"BILLY! Oh, I'm so sorry Prime Minister Harper. Now Billy, that wasn't very nice. Apologize this instant."
"Aww."
"Apologize."
"I'm sorry."
"That's alright Billy, I've heard worse...much worse. Did your dad say why I stink?"
"He says you're like George Bush. He calls you Bush Light."
"I see."
"He says we shouldn't be in a war with Affgandistan."
"We're not at war with Afghanistan. We are fighting terrorism. The Taliban. They just happen to live there. Don't you support our soldiers? They have guns. Big guns. Next question."
"How come you want older people to work more?"
"It's good for the economy."
"But I used to get to stay at grandmas house after school but now she can't afford to stay home so she says hi to people at Wal-Mart."
"Good for her!"
"But now my parents have to pay daycare and that's the reason I can't get a new bike."
"Well kids, I'd love to answer more questions but I have to go."
"Why?"
"My photographer ran out of film."

CANADIAN ACTIVIST JAILED FOR LIFE MCKAY TO DISCUSS WITH OFFICIALS
Topic: April 19, 2007
"Where the hell is my silk kimono?"
"It's in the closet beside your safari outfit."
"Where - oh, here it is thanks. Now where are my Ray-Bans?"
"The cool looking aviator glasses?"
"Yeah, the Ray-Bans."
"I don't think those are appropriate for your trip to China Peter."
"Why not? "
"You'll be so busy cow-towing and bowing to the Chinese authorities that you won't have time to worry about the sun getting in your eyes."
"But what if I want to stop by Kandahar on the way home?"
"Hmmm, you're right, you better pack them. I think I saw them on the dash of your SUV."
"Gotta multi-task. If the Liberals pressure a non-confidence vote, another photo-op can't hurt."
"That's the other reason why your mission to China on Celil's behalf is so important."
"Why is that?"
"If we can get him out of jail over there we'll be heroes! Just think of the positive spin we can put on it. We'll be in power for years to come!"
"Is this guy as bad as they say he is?"
"It's hard to say. I'm sure that the authorities, no matter what government is involved, would have to be pretty certain that he is guilty of something before tossing him in jail."
"You gotta be able to trust your governments. One government's activist is another's terrorist."
"It's too bad we can't throw activists in jail here too."
"Yes I know, but be patient. All in good time, all in good time."