COUNCILLOR SAYS STREETS BELONG TO HOPSCOTCH AND HOCKEY PLAYERS TOO
Topic: May 14, 2007
"Dwayne Johnson here."
"You a manager Dwayne?"
"Yes."
"Good."
"Always a pleasure to speak to a fan. What can I do for you Mr...?"
"John Carruthers. 47 Maple Street. I'm a taxpayer and I want action!"
"Oh! Old Man Carruthers! Why didn't you say so in the first place? What can the city do for you today?"
"They've gone too far! Even worse than when they were playing hockey in the streets."
"Calm down now sir. What is it? What could be worse than (shudder) street hockey?"
"You're not gonna believe it I tells ya."
"I'm a manager, I'll believe most anything I'm told."
"Well Dwayne, I hate to bring bad news to good people like yourself, I'm a retired manager myself, but those meddlesome kids have done gone and marked up a perfectly good city sidewalk."
"You're kidding."
"Wish I was Dwayne. Squares and numbers as far as the eye can see. Lines are all crooked too. I'm sure the chalk dust can't be good for my lawn neither."
"You don't mean..."
"Yep. Hopscotch."
"Those bastards! When will it ever end?"
"Never Dwayne, never. That's why you got squash this down now. Before it grows. Crush ‘em while they're young."
"I'm on it. I'll have a team down there right away. I've got a fleet of sidewalk scrubbing machines I've been itching to try out. We'll have your neighbourhood neat, organised and efficient, just the way it should be."
"Thanks Dwayne I'll sleep better knowing you're on the job."

CANADIAN QUARTERS TRIGGER SPY ALERT
Topic: May 7, 2007
"Those Canadians are out to get us."
"What is it now?"
"Their quarters. They're tracking us. I'm sure of it."
"Again with the coins Agent Smith?"
"This time it's different. Look at this."
"That's pretty neat."
"Neat? Do you call bugged quarters neat? They're onto us. I know it."
"What do you mean bugged?"
"Don't you think it's odd that of all the quarters in Canada, I end up with this?"
"My understanding is that they made over 30 million of these."
"You see! They're watching everybody! You can't trust ‘em. If they find out what we're up to, there's no telling what could happen."
"Shhh. You might be onto something."
"And why a poppy? And why are they in Afghanistan? They have poppies over there you know."
"I don't think that even the Canadians know why they're in Afghanistan, but I see your point."
"Money. Poppies. Afghanistan. I don't trust them. They're probably stockpiling the WMD's as we speak."
"We'd better get these things analyzed."
"Already done. We don't know how they're doing it."
"This could be serious. Any suggestions?"
"We need to send in an inspection team right away."
"What happens if we can't find anything?"
"They're crafty. I'll give them that. But if we search enough igloos, I'm sure we'll find ‘something' wink wink."
"Assemble a team."
"Already done."
"Where will you start?"
"The Royal Canadian Mint. It's in a remote village called Winnipeg."
"Good luck and don't forget your snowshoes."
"Already packed."
"Smith?"
"Yes?"
"Be careful."

GAS PRICES JUMP OVERNIGHT
Topic: May 1, 2007
"Wait for it... Wait... Okay now! Everyone is sleeping."
"Are you sure we should be doing this? I don't want to get into trouble."
"Trouble? We've been given the go ahead by you know who. We have full authority to be doing this. Hurry up before another car comes along."
"I think we're going to run out of sevens."
"Well then just hand me a nine."
"A nine? Can we get away with using nines?"
"Of course. A nine, a seven, it doesn't matter. It's incidental."
"But the nines are so heavy."
"Quit griping. The physical act of actually changing the numbers is the easy part. How'd you like to be the guys from the Explanation Department? Now that's got to be a tough job."
"What excuse are they using this time?"
"Something about a pirate ship near Nigeria I believe."
"You've got to be kidding!"
"No, it's true, really. Rather ingenious when you think about it. The more bizarre the story combined with it being unverifiable makes for an easier sell."
"But pirates?"
"Too many reporters and accountants were calling us on our number crunching. I'd like to see them disprove this one."
"How long have you been doing this?"
"All bloody night!"
"That's not what I meant. You must be getting to close to retirement aren't you?"
"Yeah and I can't wait. I've got a lucrative little sideline that'll make my golden years a little more comfortable. Very comfortable indeed."
"Doing what?"
"Making over-sized numbers for gas stations."

MORE STUDENTS PUNISHED OVER FACEBOOK COMMENTS
Topic: April 30, 2007

"We can't have children making rude comments about teachers! We must have discipline. We must have respect! Children should not be expressing their opinions. They need to suck it up and swallow any free thought that does not conform to this school's administrative policies."
"I'm not saying I disagree with you but I just don't know how far we can go in so much as to be invading the private lives of our students."
"It's not private when their comments are posted on the internet for millions to see."
"It's my understanding that they thought their comments were private. A peer's discussion if you will, by them and for them only."
"The internet is available to almost everyone these days."
"That may be true but who other than the kids having this ‘discussion' could possibly interested in it?"
"Well, I found out about it didn't I?"
"That brings up an interesting point? Why are you trolling conversations belonging to kids in the first place? It's kind of creepy."
"Because I knew they were talking about me. I just knew they were. And I was right! Therefore I have the right to see them punished. I want them subjugated. I want my pound of flesh. I want my revenge!"
"I think you're getting paranoid."
"Am I? Am I really? Just look at that group of kids huddled around."
"That's the football team. It's the last play. They need this to win. They're supposed to huddle."
"I bet they're talking about me."

MORE QUESTIONING EXPECTED ON AFGHAN DETAINEES
Topic: April 27, 2007
"Let's see... I think I'll have the Cowpoke Stack of Flapjacks, extra sausages and some dry white toast, what are you having Stockwell?"
"Well Gordon, I'll have a poached egg on a granola wafer and some gluten free tea."
"Excellent choices gentleman. And for you Mr. Harper?"
"Waffles! I must have waffles, forthwith. Bring me your finest assortment."
"So we have one stack of flapjacks, extra sausage, dry white toast, a poached egg on granola, gluten free tea, and the Waffles of the World?"
"That's not what I said!"
"I'm terribly sorry Mr. O'Connor, did I miss something?"
"Oatmeal. I want oatmeal. And throw some prunes in there too while you're at it."
"Excellent choice. Which would you like first, the flapjacks or the oatmeal or the dry white toast?"
"What are you talking about? I said I wanted a bowl of Sugar Crisp and toss in a few sliced strawberries before that sugarbear gets them again."
"I'm confused."
"Actually, I heard from one of my people in Afghanistan that a great way to start your day is with a bowl of wild rice with some sprouts sprinkled on top."
"I'm sorry Mr. Day, are you changing your order too?"
"I'll handle this Stockwell."
"Thanks Stephen."
"You obviously haven't been listening to what we've been saying. We're trying to order cheeseburgers."
"I thought you were ordering breakfast."
"What's the matter with you? Don't you support our troops? Gentlemen, I'd say we're ready for today's Question Period. Wouldn't you agree?"
"Agreed!"

CHILDREN NEED MORE SAY IN GOVERNMENT
Topic: April 26, 2007
"Hello boys and girls. Thank you for inviting me into your classroom. Today. And what a big class it is. There must be fifty of you crammed in here. The Senate has told me that our government has not given you a fair say in what goes on in our country. Would any of you like to say something? You. The young man in the t-shirt is it? Would you like to say something?"
"My dad says you stink."
"BILLY! Oh, I'm so sorry Prime Minister Harper. Now Billy, that wasn't very nice. Apologize this instant."
"Aww."
"Apologize."
"I'm sorry."
"That's alright Billy, I've heard worse...much worse. Did your dad say why I stink?"
"He says you're like George Bush. He calls you Bush Light."
"I see."
"He says we shouldn't be in a war with Affgandistan."
"We're not at war with Afghanistan. We are fighting terrorism. The Taliban. They just happen to live there. Don't you support our soldiers? They have guns. Big guns. Next question."
"How come you want older people to work more?"
"It's good for the economy."
"But I used to get to stay at grandmas house after school but now she can't afford to stay home so she says hi to people at Wal-Mart."
"Good for her!"
"But now my parents have to pay daycare and that's the reason I can't get a new bike."
"Well kids, I'd love to answer more questions but I have to go."
"Why?"
"My photographer ran out of film."

CANADIAN ACTIVIST JAILED FOR LIFE MCKAY TO DISCUSS WITH OFFICIALS
Topic: April 19, 2007
"Where the hell is my silk kimono?"
"It's in the closet beside your safari outfit."
"Where - oh, here it is thanks. Now where are my Ray-Bans?"
"The cool looking aviator glasses?"
"Yeah, the Ray-Bans."
"I don't think those are appropriate for your trip to China Peter."
"Why not? "
"You'll be so busy cow-towing and bowing to the Chinese authorities that you won't have time to worry about the sun getting in your eyes."
"But what if I want to stop by Kandahar on the way home?"
"Hmmm, you're right, you better pack them. I think I saw them on the dash of your SUV."
"Gotta multi-task. If the Liberals pressure a non-confidence vote, another photo-op can't hurt."
"That's the other reason why your mission to China on Celil's behalf is so important."
"Why is that?"
"If we can get him out of jail over there we'll be heroes! Just think of the positive spin we can put on it. We'll be in power for years to come!"
"Is this guy as bad as they say he is?"
"It's hard to say. I'm sure that the authorities, no matter what government is involved, would have to be pretty certain that he is guilty of something before tossing him in jail."
"You gotta be able to trust your governments. One government's activist is another's terrorist."
"It's too bad we can't throw activists in jail here too."
"Yes I know, but be patient. All in good time, all in good time."

BRITISH CREW TO BE RELEASED
Topic: April 4, 2007
"By Jove old boy, bully, I repeat, bully, what a lovely jubbly."
"I must say, that certainly was as bent as a nine-bob note those Iranian chaps taking our lads captive like that, I must say."
"Right. Quite right. But we knew all along it was a game with two halves. It certainly looked like the whole mess had gone up the spout but as sure as Bob's your uncle, it came out tickety boo in the end."
"More tea?"
"Yes quite."
"Crumpet?"
"Well, I'm not made of stone am I?"
"Haw, haw, I must say, haw haw."
"Did you ever notice that their president, er, what's his name?"
"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?"
"Yes, that's the chap. Have you ever noticed he looks an awful lot like that Amercian actor, Jamie Farr?"
"I hadn't noticed, but now that you mention it, yes, yes he does."
"Well, I'm bursting! Aren't you going to tell me how you managed it?"
"Managed what?"
"This whole situation was two steps beyond barking yet you pulled it out of the fire. How man, how?"
"Actually, I sought out the best strategists I could. Bush offered to help but since he was sort of to blame we felt it best if we handled it the old fashioned British way."
"Good god man you can't be serious!"
"When British lives are at stake there can be no half-measures."
"You mean..."
"Right on the button old boy, we bored them into releasing our team."
"Good show old man. Good show."

NO BAN FOR TIE DOMI SAYS OFFICIAL
Topic: April 3, 2007
"I want to speak to somebody in charge... NOW!"
"I'm sorry sir and you are?"
"Domi. Tie Domi."
"I see Mr. Dummy."
"It's Domi, D-O-M-I. You follow?"
"Sorry Mr. er, Domi. Do you have an appointment?"
"I'm Tie Domi. I don't make appointments. I break them. You follow?"
"I'm afraid I don't, sorry."
"I said I want to speak to someone in charge you F---ing F---!"
"I could let you speak to Carolyn Stewart-Olsen."
"Who the F--- is she?"
"She's the Prime Minister's Press Secretary. Oh, here she is now?"
"May I help you?"
"You in charge here."
"You could say that, just don't quote me on that."
"I want to know what makes you so F---ing special."
"Now see here sir, I will not be spoken to like that in my own office."
"I'm a taxpayer and you're gonna F---ing listen. You follow?"
"What is it you want?"
"I want to know why in the F--- Belinda isn't getting more time on question period. I want you to put her out front and center. Every F---ing time there's an important issue. Her F---ing opinion is better than most of the pencil neck geeks you have her surrounded by."
"Uh, Mr. Domi. I think you've made a terrible mistake."
"I don't make mistakes. I break them. You follow?"
"I'm afraid you don't, follow. You see, this is Prime Minister Harper's office. Belinda Stronach doesn't work here anymore. You want Stephane Dion's office."
"Sorry."

MPs MAKE SUPROSE VISIT TO AFGHANISTAN
Topic: April 2, 2007

"Which ones do you like Vic?"
"I'm not sure. Try the other pair on again."
"How's this?"
"Yeah. That looks better. The aviator glasses make you look way cooler."
"Really?"
"Of course...and I'm not just saying that either. I'm not very fond of these flack jackets though."
"They're standard issue on every photo-op mission Vic. You know that."
"I don't see anybody on the base wearing them. It's not like we're going out into the field are we?"
"You can take it off as soon as the press corps is finished with us."
"But it makes me look fat."
"You should have thought have that before you scarffed down all those free doughnuts from Melnyk. Besides you really don't look fat, I'd say more... authoritative."
"Speaking of the Ottawa Senators owner, did you get a jersey too?"
"I got two! I just didn't want to cover up these flak jackets."
"Where's Helen?"
"I think she was getting a few more minutes in the tanning booth on the plane before coming out. We can't elect pale members of parliament. They all have to have that authentic Afghan tan for their campaign photos.
"She better hurry. It sure is hot here Stockwell."
"Here have some of my sunblock, it helps."
"Thanks. Do you have any lip balm?"
"Regular or mint?"
"Mint. Thanks."
"I think we're almost done."
"I guess Helen will have to wait for the next trip. Can we stop over in Dubai on the way back?"
"Of course."