Topic: December 20, 2006
Go to the store. Buy the most expensive dark roast coffee beans you can find. Ignore any bean that declares itself to be chocolate-cinnamon-banana or any other silly flavour. Just get the dark roast. While you are there, buy a small coffee grinder, a plastic camping type of coffee cone and some filters. If the cashier comments on your purchase, pretend you don’t hear her. Pay and get out of there.
Go home. Find a spot to hide your stash in the kitchen where it will never be found yet is still accessible. Crock pots and bread machines work well once their novelty has worn off. I can’t remember the last time we had a loaf of bread from our bread maker, yet there it sits on the counter. Give those unused appliances a second lease on life, make them part of the conspiracy.
Go to sleep that night, content with the knowledge that in the morning, the point of this extremely self-indulgent exercise awaits. If the anticipation is keeping you awake, try this. Mentally count coffee beans, one by one; as you place them gently into the grinder. Eventually you will fall asleep.
Wake up an hour before anyone else does. Put water on to boil. Remove your coffee beans from their hiding place. Open the container. Pause. Enjoy the aroma. Carefully, quietly pour the beans into the grinder. Use more than you think you’ll need. Place the lid on your grinder. Return the beans to their hiding place.
As you wait for the water to boil, contemplate building a nest for your coffee beans. Make a mental note to find some of that plastic straw used in gift baskets the next time you are shopping for coffee related items. Visualize how you will arrange it so that the next time you put your beans away, bruising will be kept to a minimum.
As the water nears the boiling point, it will be time to grind the beans. This is a tricky part. You don’t want to wake anyone up. Place your grinder inside an oven mitt. This will help to muffle the sound. Press the button and start grinding. Shake your grinder up and down, back and forth like a martini shaker for a minimum of fifteen to twenty seconds, longer if you think you can get away with it. Remove the grinder from the mitt and take off the lid. Pause. Enjoy the aroma.
Place a filter inside the plastic camping coffee cone. Carefully pour a little bit more than half of the freshly ground coffee into the filtered cone. Place the cone atop of your favourite mug. I use a travel mug as it helps to keep the coffee at the perfect temperature. It also serves as a suitable disguise. On the occasions I have been interrupted, no-one’s ever guessed I was drinking the champagne of coffees from my stainless steel Bob’s Beef and Burger mug.
Start pouring the water into the cone in a circular motion. Start from the outside and work your way in towards the middle. Continue to pour the water until it almost, but doesn’t overflow the cone. This too will become part of the ritual. You will get better at it every time. Eventually you should progress to the point where you are making fancy pouring motions that emulate the swirl on a soft ice cream cone. While you are waiting for the water to extract the nectar from the coffee, pause. Exalt in the aroma.
When your mug is full, set the cone in the sink. Grab the morning paper but avoid reading the headlines. Get the crossword or suduko and go outside if you can. It is extremely rewarding if you can watch the sunrise. Even more so if you can do it from a hot tub. If you smoke, now is the perfect time to light one up. Sit down and follow the next instructions very carefully.
Hold your mug close to your nose. Revel in the aroma. Slowly take a sip. Savour it. Work on your puzzle. Repeat. If you happen to see your neighbour doing the same thing, raise your mug and one eyebrow in a Winston Wolf salute and then return to your puzzle. No words need be exchanged. If you don’t know who Winston Wolf is, ask Quentin. If you don’t know who Quentin is, perhaps you should switch to tea.
Sadly, when the first cup is finished, it’s time to go back inside. Get the water boiling again. Retrieve the cone with the soggy grounds from the sink and put it back on your mug. Pour the remainder of the ground coffee into the filter on top of the wet grounds. Repeat the pouring process. Be careful. It will take longer this time since the filter will be half plugged. As you wait for the last of the water to drip through, put the grinder away and wipe down the counter to remove any errant grounds. When the last of the water has dripped through the filter and your mug is full, discard the filter in the trash. Wrap other bits of trash around it so that it won’t be discovered on accident. Wipe down the cone and place it back inside the bread maker. Make sure you have left no evidence in the kitchen.
Take a sip. Sadly, it will not be as good as the first but it will still be pretty good. Most likely much better than the swill you will be forced to drink for the remainder of the day. Now is the time to read the headlines of your paper, do your email or turn on the idiot box to catch the news. In other words, get on with your day.
One more thing. This ritual is for you and you only. If you want to keep it this way, do what any good lawyer will tell you. Don’t say anything to anybody, just do as I say.
