SHIFT BORDER GUARD FOCUS TO SECURITY SAYS REPORT
Topic: March 27, 2007
"Have you anything to declare?"
"Yes. I've been in this line for over two hours. There were only five cars in the line."
"So what's your point?"
"My point is I'm a Canadian citizen. It shouldn't take this long to get back into my own country!"
"I'm sure you can appreciate that since 911, defending our borders has become of prime importance. Park there please."
"What for? I've nothing to declare this trip."
"Listen sir, you want across the border. I want you across the border. If you pay duty on something, we can let you across. What do we have to do to get you across the border today?"
"Lift up the gate and let me through."
"Hmmm. Petty, our duty sniffing dog will check your car."
"What for?"
"To give you time to browse our new duty-free shop we've set up to increase border revenues. Do you have an Air Miles card sir?"
"Of course but-"
"If we find any undeclared beer or cigarettes in your vehicle, you qualify for double air miles! It's a special promotion my supervisor is running this week."
"I told you I have nothing."
"You might be interested in checking your lottery tickets at our Ontario Lotteries Gaming kiosk located near the cash register, you wouldn't believe what a money maker it is."
"I have nothing to declare! And what is an Ontario Lotteries kiosk doing here? This B.C.!"
"I've said too much. Please step through the door marked Security Certificate Detainees...Next!"

BANK OF CANADA SPENDS 284K ON IN HOUSE DINING
Topic: March 26, 2007
"Dodge, I hate to complain but this soup is cold."
"Jean Paul! Jean Paul!"
"Oui Monsieur Dodge?"
"The Prime Minister's soup is cold."
"Cucumber soup is supposed to be served cold Monsieur Dodge."
"Couldn't you zap it for a few seconds?"
"Oui Monsieur."
"Throw in a few chunks of something expensive in it while you're at it."
"Sigh...Oui Monsieur."
"I have to hand it to you Dodge, this is a great dining room you got here."
"Thanks. It certainly cuts down on our entertainment expenses. We above all else, need to show physical responsibility."
"I noticed you have a separate cafeteria for the rest of the employees."
"But of course. You wouldn't want to stand in line with all that riff raff now would you?"
"Good heaven's no."
"And besides, only executives eat for free, the rabble has to pay."
"Sounds fair to me, I'll give this some serious thought. I wonder if I can get a personal chef of my own. Or better yet, a chef for each member of cabinet."
"Think of the money your government would save on dining out! You'd be an inspiration to Canadians everywhere. I'll give you some advice though, if you have a cafeteria set up for the help, be sure to install an Ontario Lotteries Kiosk in it as well. That's when the real money starts to come in."
"Wink wink."
"Nudge nudge."
"Your Lobster and Cucumber Soup sir."
"I've changed my mind, I want it cold."
"Sigh. Oui, Monsieur."

CANADA TO TAKE ACTIVE ROLL IN CLIMATE CHANGE SUMMIT
Topic: March 15, 2007
"George Bush here."
"Thanks for taking the call George, it's Stephen Harper."
"Harper... Harper... Harper?"
"The Prime Minister of Canada. Stephen Harper."
"Oh right... Harper. How's it going Stevie?"
"Well, it could better."
"Go ahead, explain."
"I sent O'Connor and Hillier to Afghanistan like you said. But the results were less than spectacular."
"How so?"
"The missing prisoners. The ones we handed over to the Afghan authorities. They're still nowhere to be found. Despite the meetings, it doesn't sound promising that any new ones we hand over in the future won't suffer the same fate."
"Just tell people that they escaped. Yeah, that's it. Escaped. Heh heh."
"I'll try but I doubt anyone will buy it, what with reports of battlefield executions by the Afghan army."
"Ignore those."
"We're trying."
"Listen Stevie, when something isn't working, don't give up, just keep making mistake after mistake. That's how we learn. From our mistakes. The more we make, the more we learn in the long run heh heh."
"Hillier didn't help, suggesting that progress was being made by seeing grape huts."
"Grape Huts? Is that some kind of breakfast cereal?"
"Beats me."
"I doubt anyone paid much attention to that. Did your PR guys get any footage?"
"Of course. Bureaucrats in fatigues. The usual stuff."
"Good. Now all you gotta do is take the focus off Afghanistan for a bit. Give ‘em a bit of domestic stuff."
"I'll have Baird make a statement on the environment."
"Semper Fi Stevie. Semper Fi."

O'CONNOR TO MEET WITH AFGHAN HUMAN RIGHTS LEADER
Topic: March 13, 2007
"Those were some great shots of you in battle fatigues Gordon."
"Thanks. My tailor had a heck of a time fitting me for them."
"How'd the meeting go with the Afghan Human Rights leader?"
"Noorzai? Well, he couldn't make it, but we're hoping to meet tomorrow. In the meantime, it giveS me more opportunities to get my picture taken."
"See that you do. It's important you maximize any opportunity you can. The fate of this government relies heavily on this. Our PR department is concerned that once an election is called, we won't have enough images of our team leading the fight against those who oppose us."
"Are we talking about the Taliban here?"
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm talking about the fight against the Liberals, NDP and Greens."
"It's too bad they had to cut those scenes from our recruitment ads Defence has been running on the TV."
"Yes, I'm still having trouble wrestling with that one but it's all a matter of timing. Once an election is called we'll be able to flaunt images of all the work, you, Hillier and MacKay have been doing over there. While you're in battle fatigues, they're wearing suits and ties, whining about the environment. They won't be able to compete."
"Let's hope not. Say, I hear Kahn's in the area?"
"Yes. He is."
"Why don't you have him pop over for drinks?"
"I'll do that, in the meantime, don't forget to ask about the detainees."
"The detainees? Oh yeah, right...the detainees."

U.S. SENATORS ASK CANADA TO STOP PIRATING MOVIES
Topic: March 7, 2007

"Har Har, avast ye thar matey, Har Har!"
"So you're the one responsible for the devastation in the United States!"
"No Mate. That privilege belongs to one of your own lad."
"I happen to be a United States Senator! How dare you accuse us, of anything."
"Would it not be your glorious and brave leader, George Bush who is responsible? Let's face it Mate, he's got you at war , he spending billions from your treasure chests. There's a man that what ought to be keelhauled."
"We're not talking about that kind of devastation. We're talking about your bands of roving Canadians, trolling the movie theatres with a video camera in one hand and a disdain for American copyright law in the other."
"Well shiver me timbers! Are ye be trying to yet again influence Canadian Law? While at the same time ye be deporting away our citizens for torture, imprisoning 9 year old boys and their parents and dressing them up like convicts? You've dragged our sweet innocent boys and girls into a war in Afghanistan and yet you dare to trifle with our laws? Soon ye will be having us be careful what we write or think or maybe ye be having us attend a good old fashioned book burning? AAARRRGH!"
"This kind of reaction will not be viewed kindly by the entertainment industry."
"Well then, be gone! And hereafter let it be drawn on all your maps that anything north of the 49th parallel, thar be dragons!"

CASSINI SPACECRAFT CAPTURES IMAGES OF SATURN
Topic: March 2, 2007
"Mr. Harper, did you see those pictures they sent back from Saturn? Wow!"
"Saturn? What pictures? No. No, I haven't."
"They're from the Cassini spacecraft. It took numerous photographs from above Saturn. The colours, clarity and perspective are unlike any pictures we have ever seen before."
"Let me see them...Say, these are good, aren't they?"
"I told you. Look at these ones."
"Wow! You're right. It's moments like this that really tick me off."
"Tick you off sir?"
"You look at these photos and see a thing of beauty. I see a missed opportunity."
"Missed opportunity sir? I don't follow."
"As spectacular as each of these photos may be, they are still missing a crucial element."
"What would that be sir?"
"I don't see single Conservative MP in any one of them."
"You're right. I hadn't noticed."
"Come election time, we need to able produce as many pictorial essays of our MP's as possible. It's the key to our election strategy. We have countless pictures of MacKay in Afghanistan and schmoozing with Condoleeza Rice, of Baird inspecting trees and of me with world leaders. What we don't have is a picture of one of us visiting Saturn."
"But we weren't even in power when they launched this mission."
"I don't care. Let's get someone up there right away. It could be useful for future elections."
"Any suggestions on who?"
"Ambrose. It'll keep her out of my hair for awhile."
"I'll get right on it sir."
"See that you do."

TORIES LEAD POLLS CLEAN UP REFUGEE BOARD
Topic: March 1, 2007
"Give me another cigar will you?"
"Another? I say old boy, you are celebrating aren't you?"
"Who wouldn't? While you're at it, top up this snifter of brandy."
"By jove! Why not? I think I'll join you!"
"We're infallible. No matter what we do, we get more popular."
"I've read the polls. The Liberals and NDP are slipping, we're gaining and the only other party doing that is the Greens."
"I don't think we'll have to worry about them for quite some time. But eventually, it'll be fun making them look stupid too."
"I daresay, you are on a roll."
"I never knew being Prime Minister could be so easy. I mean, all I have to say is, ‘I want our guys on the bench,' wave my fingers and the next things I know my pals are on the bench. Don't want ‘those' people in Canada? Just say so, and buh-bye."
"That was excellent work on the Refugee Board."
"Work? All I did was give the word and then blame the Liberals. It's so easy."
"Do you think it might be time to ease off before someone catches on to us? You can only go to the well so many times."
"Ease off? No, I don't think so. We've got them on the ropes. It's the last game before the playoffs. Remember you're only as good as your last shift."
"Or in our case, you're only as good as your last photo-op."
"Exactly! Now where the hell is the caviar?"

1ST BEAVER SPOTTED IN BRONX RIVER IN 200 YEARS
Topic: February 23, 2007

"Stockwell, come here, I want you!"
"What is it Chief?"
"How'd you get here so fast?"
"Uh, I was just in the next room sir,"
"I see. Well, no matter, I need you to explain something to me."
"What is it sir?"
"How is it, a beaver was spotted, swimming down the Bronx River?"
"Oh, you heard about that?"
"I thought we had an open and honest discussion about this type of thing before."
"I'm not sure what you're talking about."
"Who is going to believe that a beaver or any other living creature, could actually survive in that polluted river? There hasn't been one seen in over two hundred years and now, all of a sudden, there's one frolicking around?"
"I think the Americans bought it sir."
"Didn't you learn anything from the ToonieGate fiasco?"
"Tooniegate sir?"
"Stockwell, don't play dumb."
"Who's playing?"
"Tooniegate. A couple of months back. You stuck transmitters inside hollowed out Toonies so you could track American contractors."
"Oh. That."
"Yes. That. And what did, That, prove? I'll tell you. American contractors spend Toonies using vending machines and toll booths!"
"But sir, our Beaver-Sub or B.S. for short, has successfully infiltrated American waters. We've been poking around there for the last year!"   "And what have we learned from this ‘B.S.' of ours?"
"Well sir, if you must know..."
"I must, I must."
"Never, ever, go swimming in the Bronx River. It's really, really dirty."
"Encouraging results. Forget I bothered you. Keep up the B.S. Stockwell."

EGYPTIAN BLOGGER JAILED
Topic: February 22, 2007
"Stockwell, Rona, Peter and the rest of you lumps, get in here. I've stumbled across something to get rid of those pesky bloggers making fun of us."
"That's fantastic Chief!"
"Peter, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, stop calling me Chief, it makes you sound like Maxwell Smart."
"Sorry about that Chief."
"That's better. All I ask from my caucus is humility and servitude."
"Don't forget photo-ops."
"I thought that went without saying."
"Well, it does but someone needed to say it don't you think?"
"I try not to think too much. George doesn't like it much when I do."
"You said something about Bloggers?"
"Right. Thanks for reminding me. It seems our old buddy, President Hosni Mubarak of Egypt got wind of a guy that was making fun of him online."
"I thought it was for making fun of Islam."
"Don't be naive. You can disregard religion to a certain degree but when you start making fun of the political leaders, then you're playing with fire. Making fun of Islam was only the ‘excuse' behind the real reason. Making fun of a political leader huh? I guess that blogger will have at least four years to figure that one out."
"So how does this translate to us? We can't jail bloggers for writing here."
"Not yet we can't. But what about for inciting hatred?"
"Hatred?"
"Yes hatred. Hatred of us!"
"It could work! I'll start a blogger task force."
"Stockwell, you complete me."

OLD STYLE LIGHT BULBS MAY BE BANNED IN ONTARIO
Topic: February 21, 2007
"Well, if it isn't John Q. Public. How the hell are you?"
"I'm not sure. I feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark."
"You are. Hang on a sec."
CLICK
"Wow! That's better, whatcha do?"
"I turned on the lights."
"But light bulbs are illegal aren't they?"
"Not these kind. These are government approved light bulbs."
"Well, if they're endorsed by the government, they must be okay."
"That's the kind of support that makes me proud to be Prime Minister of Canada."
"But I thought it was the Ontario Government that was banning the old style light bulbs, not the Federal Government."
"Are you saying then that you don't support our troops in Afghanistan?"
"What?"
"Its comments like those that really make me want to retch."
"Now wait a gall darned minute. Of course I support our troops. What Canadian doesn't?"
"I'm glad that we can continue counting on your support. Speaking of which, in order to keep our troops safe in Afghanistan we are going to be counting on that kind of support in the election."
"Election? Support? Are you saying our troops won't be safe if I vote Liberal or even NDP?"
"I never said that."
"Then why are you nodding your head up and down, tapping your nose and winking at me?"
"Listen I'd love to stay and chat but I have a budget to plan which will result in a non-confidence vote that just might get us re-elected. Ta."
"Maybe we should just ban politicians."