U S DENIES SOMALIA OFFENSIVE BUSH TO ADD THOUSANDS MORE TROOPS TO IRAQ BUSH TO GIVE SPEECH TONIGHT
Topic: January 10, 2007

"Let me say that it's so nice to see all of your fresh eager faces out here today... heh heh."
"Mr. President!"
"Mr. President!"
"Mr. President!"
"You. The one with the face. Go ahead son, ask away."
"Thank you sir. Scoop Daily, Eavesdroppings News. We are hearing reports that the United States has launched a fresh assault on Somalia. Will you confirm or deny these reports?"
"No."
"But-"
"You've had your question son, now sit down. Next, you go ahead, ask away."
"Sir, to echo my colleague's last question..."
"Echo? Echo? Is this the Grand Canyon? Heh heh. Well, here's an echo for you. No. No. No. Nooooooo."
"Mr. President!"
"Mr. President!"
"Mr. President!"
"We have reports that Al Qaeda militant, Fazul Abdullah Mohammed was killed."
"I have those same reports. No terrorist is safe anywhere. Like the T.V. shows says "Bad Boys, Bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?" I'll tell you what they're gonna do, they're gonna die!"
"Sir, is that an admission that the United States is targeting Somalia?"
"No. Next Question. You there...girlie...go ahead."
"Uh thanks. What of the reports that you intend to send over 21,000 more soldiers to Iraq and spend billions more?"

"Got a problem with that do you?"
"I think the American public might have something to say about that."
"Oooh. So what are they going to say? I'm the President of The United States. I'm on my last term! To quote Nelson Muntz, Ha! Ha!"

MacKay Visits Afghanistan and Pakistan
Topic: January 9, 2007

"Peter, it's Stephen, how's the trip?"
"Great. It's hot here though."
"I heard there was a missile fired at the base the day your plane was to take off."
"Yeah, we couldn't have timed it any better."
"I thought it was very well timed. We'll have to thank our friends for that one. It made you look like James Caan."
"Too bad they didn't have a potato farm for me to look weepy and wistful in. Be that as it may, I was able to get several more solider pics in the extra time the "attack" gave us."
"Stay the course, adapt, overcome. Every photo-op mission you go out on is important. I'm very proud of your successes so far."
"Did you know there's a Tim Horton's out there?"
"That's where I bought my travel mug."
"Darn! I picked one up for you as a souvenir. Oh well, I'll send it to Condie instead. Too bad she wasn't along. Talk about your perfect photo-op."
"Enough of Afghanistan. How was Pakistan?"
"Not bad. The food was really good. They made an excellent curried chicken and rice dish at the hotel I was staying in... Darn! I forgot to get the recipe."
"Don't worry about that. We'll get it for you. There are more trips in the planning stage. Tell me some good news."
"I got my picture taken with their new Prime Minister and his Foreign Affairs Minister, you know whats-his-name... and oh yeah, lots of soldier pics too."
"Exxxxxxcelllllllent."

BAIRD CALLS WEATHER A WAKE UP CALL NDP WIELD POWER
Topic: January 8, 2007
RIIIIIINGGGG
"Hello?"
"Morning John."
"What time is it?"
"It's your four a.m. wakeup. You'll be getting more of them from now until I force the election."
"Who is this? I demand to know!"
"It's Jack Layton. I cleared this with Stephen. Didn't he tell you?"
"Sorry Mr. Layton, I didn't recognize your voice. You're saying that Mr. Harper is cool with this?"
"He's the one who gave me your number."
"I see , so what do you want?"
"I want to rule this country, but since that's not likely, I still want to do my part to better Canada and if I have to blackmail every Conservative in order to do it, then I will."
"I see."
"I'm not sure you do. I hear you're going to be in Stanley Park today surveying damage. You can have your photo-op but then I expect you to get back to me later with some hard data on how you're going to meet Kyoto. I'll be in touch."
CLICK!
"I told you he'd call."
"Gosh Stephen, you're right. He's so giddy now that he doesn't need the Liberals to sink us that he thinks he's in charge."
"Let him focus on the environment. It draws attention away from Afghanistan. By the time he forces the election, it'll be too late. He doesn't know it but he's buying us the precioussss time we need to sink the Liberals. Mahahahahahahahahahaha."
"Stephen?"
"Yes?"
"I love it when you laugh maniacally."
"You ain't seen nothing yet precioussss."

Baird New Environment Minister for Canada
Topic: January 5, 2007

"Congratulations on the new cabinet position."
"Thanks. I'm looking forward to the challenge."
"You think it's going to be challenging?"
"It's certainly getting a lot more attention than we ever dreamed."
"Have you given any thought to Kyoto?"
"Not really. But I will. I'll be tough. I'll try not to blame the Liberals. Even though they didn't do anything for twelve years and then dumped Kyoto in our laps. Oh, we'll clean it up for them but we'll try not to blame them."
"Well it's nice to see you have a new attitude."
"We're trying. If it wasn't for those damn Liberals, I doubt that we would be in this mess."
"You know, and it's just me telling you this but it kind of sounds like you're still blaming the Liberals."
"No I'm not! It's just so very frustrating when you see someone of Rona Ambrose's calibre become a laughing stock. She inherited the mess courtesy of Jean Chretien and Company."
"Ambrose didn't do anything!"
"Exactly!"
"I'm afraid you've lost me."
"She accomplished so much. She now has Canadians more concerned about the environment. She has singlehandedly refocused the country's attention onto the environment and away from Afghanistan. All in one short year. That's no small accomplishment."
"Which she did by doing nothing."
"I prefer to see the glass as half full."
"Are you going to consult with her?"
"Of course! I need to ask her if I look better in blue or black. Cameras add ten pounds you know."

HARPER PLAYS MUSICAL CHAIRS WITH CABINET
Topic: January 04, 2007

“Are you sure this is the way we’re supposed to be picked for our new cabinet positions?”

“Am I sure Rona?  Oh my, of course I’m sure.  I think musical chairs is the fairest and might I add, a really fun way to pick a cabinet.”

“Well how come everyone else doesn’t have to run around these chairs?”

“That’s a good question.  You see, we started before you got here.  Yeah, yeah that’s it.  We started before you got here and they got to uh, keep their old positions because you were late.  Yeah, yeah, that’s it, you were late.”

“I’m twenty minutes early!”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Of course I’m sure!”

“Just like when you were sure that the Liberals spent 100 million on Kyoto when in fact they hadn’t spent a single penny?”

“Oh so you’re going to bring that up again?  Why aren’t you punishing Peter for his dog remark?”

“This isn’t about Peter.  It’s about the election, but don’t admit that to anyone.  Besides, there’s no proof he ever said it.  Unlike your comment that we were on track for meeting our Kyoto obligations but weren’t going to meet our target... what the hell was that?”

“I was pretty sure.”

“Pretty sure?”

“Tell you what.  If you can grab a chair after this song is finished, you get a cabinet position.  Are you game?”

“Of course, I’ve got the Knack now.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

“My sure Rona. For a bonus can you name it?”

“Uh...no.”

CANADIAN RADIO STATION TO HIT AFGHANISTAN AIRWAVES
Topic: January 3, 2007

“So...there’s going to be a Canadian radio station in Afghanistan?”

“Affirmative.  We, the Canadian military, are very excited.”

“So, will we be hearing any Gooooooooooood Morning Afghanistaaaaaaaans?”

“Uh no, that would not be appropriate.  It will run with military precision and er, taste.  We call it RANA-FM”

“Aren’t you worried about security?”

“Uh, no.  It will actually be broadcast out of Canada and linked via satellite.”

“What will your content be?”

“We think its something the kids will like.  We asked a couple of them and they told us to play lots of opera and public affairs talk shows.”

“Do you think it’s possible they were pulling your leg?”

“I don’t think so.  It proves our studies to be accurate.  We are also going to include some Afghani content along with a mix of our own Canadian politics.”

“Who is going to host?”

“Well, the Prime Minister says that we can have Rona Ambrose.  She’ll be out of a job soon.  Cabinet shuffle time.”

“Rona Ambrose is going to host an Afghani radio show?”

“Since its being hosted in Canada, she may not know the difference.”

“You’re not going to tell her?”

“I don’t think so.  It’s perfect for her.  She’ll be kept busy and won’t be able embarrass the Prime Minister again.  The environment will be taken more seriously and besides, she thinks it’s called RONA-FM.”

“It’ll never work.”

“We’ll have a few photo ops of her with some Afghani teens.  She’ll never know the difference.”

“Maybe it will.”

Cabinet Shuffle Specualtion
Topic: January 2, 2007

“It’s not fair!”

“You knew when I gave you this position that it was only temporary.”

“But I worked hard Stephen, really hard.”

“I know Rona but let’s face it. You’ve done nothing with the environment portfolio.”

“But you told me to do nothing.”

“And you did a great job.  But now I need to be seen as doing something, so what better way to achieve that than by doing nothing.  I mean, I replace you and then I can say I’ve done something when in reality I’ve really done nothing but if it convinces just enough people that I’ve done something then the point of the whole exercise will not have gone to waste.”

“Just give me another chance.  I’ll do less, I promise.”

“I don’t see how that’s possible.”

“I carried this portfolio since we got elected.”

“I know that and I’m grateful to you for having achieved so little for so long but we need to convince the public we’re doing something.  I need to make this change Rona.  Don’t worry, we’ll take care of you.”

“How?  By limiting Senatorial terms to eight years?”

“That was nothing and you know it.  It was just a little nothing for the public to see that I’m doing something that’s all.  Besides, we could use your skills in heading up the Indian Affairs Department.”

“Indian Affairs?  Hmmm.  Well okay, if that’s the case, then you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

“I knew we could count on you!”

“Thanks Stephen, it’s nothing.”

MacKay Rice to Discuss Maher Arar
Topic: December 21, 2006

"Hi Condie, it's real swell to see you again."
"Hello Peter. Back at you."
"SMILE PLEASE...Thanks."
"Gosh. It sure is great to be back in Washington."
"I know I feel the same way. I love going away but I absolutely love coming back."
"SMILE PLEASE...Thanks."
"I'm not sure if you celebrate Christmas or not but I brought you a little something."
"Oh Peter, how thoughtful!"
"SMILE PLEASE...Thanks."
"Would you mind putting on this Santa hat? I've got one just like it. Let's put them on together."
"Peter! You Canadians! I'd love to. How charming...How does it look? I feel like an Ugly Betty tho."
"You watch Ugly Betty? Me too! I love that show! The hat looks very festive on you. How does mine look?"
"Very...Regal. It makes you look weak yet strong. I'm impressed with a man who is not afraid of looking a bit silly."
"SMILE PLEASE...Thanks."
"Aren't you going to open your gift?"
"Now? Shouldn't I wait?"
"No. Open it now, I won't be here for Christmas, I have to go back to Canada."
"Ooooh Peter, thank you! How wonderful!"
"It's the entire 2006 Holiday Collection from Tim Hortons. I hope you like it."
"SMILE PLEASE...Thanks."
"Like it? I love it! I treasure it already. It will always remind me of the time we spent together."
"I think I only have one more item on my agenda."
"Peter! I'm shocked! You came here with an agenda?"
"I supposed to ask you about Maher Arar."
"Who?"
"SMILE PLEASE."

BUILDING COFFEE
Topic: December 20, 2006

Go to the store.  Buy the most expensive dark roast coffee beans you can find.  Ignore any bean that declares itself to be chocolate-cinnamon-banana or any other silly flavour.  Just get the dark roast.  While you are there, buy a small coffee grinder, a plastic camping type of coffee cone and some filters.  If the cashier comments on your purchase, pretend you don’t hear her.  Pay and get out of there.

Go home.  Find a spot to hide your stash in the kitchen where it will never be found yet is still accessible.  Crock pots and bread machines work well once their novelty has worn off.  I can’t remember the last time we had a loaf of bread from our bread maker, yet there it sits on the counter.  Give those unused appliances a second lease on life, make them part of the conspiracy.

Go to sleep that night, content with the knowledge that in the morning, the point of this extremely self-indulgent exercise awaits.  If the anticipation is keeping you awake, try this.  Mentally count coffee beans, one by one; as you place them gently into the grinder. Eventually you will fall asleep.

Wake up an hour before anyone else does. Put water on to boil.  Remove your coffee beans from their hiding place. Open the container.  Pause.  Enjoy the aroma. Carefully, quietly pour the beans into the grinder.  Use more than you think you’ll need.  Place the lid on your grinder.  Return the beans to their hiding place.

As you wait for the water to boil, contemplate building a nest for your coffee beans.  Make a mental note to find some of that plastic straw used in gift baskets the next time you are shopping for coffee related items.  Visualize how you will arrange it so that the next time you put your beans away, bruising will be kept to a minimum.

As the water nears the boiling point, it will be time to grind the beans.  This is a tricky part.  You don’t want to wake anyone up.  Place your grinder inside an oven mitt.  This will help to muffle the sound.  Press the button and start grinding.  Shake your grinder up and down, back and forth like a martini shaker for a minimum of fifteen to twenty seconds, longer if you think you can get away with it.  Remove the grinder from the mitt and take off the lid.  Pause.  Enjoy the aroma.

Place a filter inside the plastic camping coffee cone.  Carefully pour a little bit more than half of the freshly ground coffee into the filtered cone.  Place the cone atop of your favourite mug.  I use a travel mug as it helps to keep the coffee at the perfect temperature.  It also serves as a suitable disguise.  On the occasions I have been interrupted, no-one’s ever guessed I was drinking the champagne of coffees from my stainless steel Bob’s Beef and Burger mug.

Start pouring the water into the cone in a circular motion.  Start from the outside and work your way in towards the middle.  Continue to pour the water until it almost, but doesn’t overflow the cone.  This too will become part of the ritual.  You will get better at it every time.  Eventually you should progress to the point where you are making fancy pouring motions that emulate the swirl on a soft ice cream cone.  While you are waiting for the water to extract the nectar from the coffee, pause.  Exalt in the aroma.

When your mug is full, set the cone in the sink.  Grab the morning paper but avoid reading the headlines.  Get the crossword or suduko and go outside if you can.  It is extremely rewarding if you can watch the sunrise.  Even more so if you can do it from a hot tub.  If you smoke, now is the perfect time to light one up.  Sit down and follow the next instructions very carefully.

Hold your mug close to your nose.  Revel in the aroma.  Slowly take a sip.  Savour it. Work on your puzzle.  Repeat.  If you happen to see your neighbour doing the same thing, raise your mug and one eyebrow in a Winston Wolf salute and then return to your puzzle.  No words need be exchanged.  If you don’t know who Winston Wolf is, ask Quentin.  If you don’t know who Quentin is, perhaps you should switch to tea.

Sadly, when the first cup is finished, it’s time to go back inside.  Get the water boiling again.  Retrieve the cone with the soggy grounds from the sink and put it back on your mug.  Pour the remainder of the ground coffee into the filter on top of the wet grounds.  Repeat the pouring process.  Be careful.  It will take longer this time since the filter will be half plugged.  As you wait for the last of the water to drip through, put the grinder away and wipe down the counter to remove any errant grounds.  When the last of the water has dripped through the filter and your mug is full, discard the filter in the trash.  Wrap other bits of trash around it so that it won’t be discovered on accident.  Wipe down the cone and place it back inside the bread maker.  Make sure you have left no evidence in the kitchen.

Take a sip.  Sadly, it will not be as good as the first but it will still be pretty good.  Most likely much better than the swill you will be forced to drink for the remainder of the day. Now is the time to read the headlines of your paper, do your email or turn on the idiot box to catch the news.  In other words, get on with your day.

One more thing.  This ritual is for you and you only.  If you want to keep it this way, do what any good lawyer will tell you. Don’t say anything to anybody, just do as I say. 

LAYTON USES SLENT G IN HOUSE OF COMMONS JIM WRITES AGAIN
Topic: December 5, 2006

“Where have you been?”

“Sorry, what was that?  I’ve been really, really busy lately.”

“‘Tis the season.  Everybody’s busy.”

“I know.  I know.”

“There’s been so much happening.”

“Like what?”

“Ooh, let’s see.  The build up to the Liberal Leadership Convention and then the surprise, come from behind win by Stephen Dion as the new leader for starters.”

“Dion?  Dion?  He won?”

“Yes he won, AND, he is leading Harper in the polls.”

“Who would have thunk?”

“We thought we were going to have Bob Rae at the helm so this will take some time to digest.”

“I should think so.”

“You missed the first Canadian tank to be involved in battle since World War II.  You missed the AG report which listed bureaucratic waste and mismanagement.  All fodder, ripe, for you to pick apart.”

“Gee.”

“AND,,,what about the Governor General?”

“What about her?”

“You thought Adrienne Clarkson was bad?  She’s been globe trotting like crazy!  Photo-op after photo-op...at the taxpayers expense!”

“Wasn’t she the one who at one time was committed to separating Quebec from Canada?”

“Yes.  And speaking of that, you missed the whole turmoil about the Quebec is a nation thing.”

“I heard about that.  I was busy.  It blew over.  At least for now.”

“There was a ton of other things you missed too.”

“Sorry.  I’ll try to re-focus.”

“So Jim, when are you going to start writing again?”

“Today.  I think I’ll write to thank Jack Layton.  There’s only one S in gas.”