PARTIES ARGUE OVER DEBTS TO FLOOR CROSSING KHAN
Topic: January 17, 2007
"Stardate zero one, one seven, two zero, zero seven. The Progressive Conservative Political Cruise Ship, The S.S. Photo-op, on its mission of unknown duration has gone into a fuzzy orbit around a little known destination called Elections Canada."
"Mr. Flaherty. To the bridge!"
"Aye sir."
"While we're waiting for our Financial Officer to arrive, perhaps you can tell me why we're in this mess in the first place. Who'd like to go first? Hmmm? Nobody? You, yes you, why won't any of you come up with an explanation?"
"Me sir?"
"Yes."
"Well sir, it's just that uh, well..."
"Go on son."
"Well sir, it's just that if we tell you something that you don't like, well..."
"Go on..."
"If we tell you something you don't want to hear, we could end up like expendable crew member Ambrose sir."
"I thought I told you we would ever mention that name again. For that breach, I am making you..."
"Please sir don't..."
"I'm appointing you the Minister in charge of tracking all other Minister's photo opportunities."
"But sir! That's impossible. No one man or woman could ever keep track of such a portfolio. It's too massive!"
"Do I need to call security?"
"No sir, I'll go."
"Flaherty reporting as ordered sir."
"So explain to me why we should pay the campaign debts of a Liberal who crossed the floor to our ship?"
"The Liberals argue that we should have done a lien check first sir. We might have to pay."
"Khan... KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!"

DION GIVES FIRST MAJOR SPEECH AS LIBERAL LEADER
Topic: January 16, 2007
ZZZZZZZZZZZ
"Wake up sir, it's over."
"Wha-? Over? Right... finally. What did I miss?"
"Were you awake when he said he would continue the legacies of the Chretien-Martin governments?"
"Ha ha. That's a good one! He didn't really say that did he? I mean just because the rest of the country has forgotten about the sponsorship scandal doesn't mean that we won't remind them of that. Legacy indeed! No, I missed that part."
"How about the part where he said he plans on governing for the long term and get this... for the well being of our children and grandchildren."
"I feel like gagging. What pandering. So, if you're against Stephane Dion, you're against children and grandchildren? What rubbish."
"It's drivel."
"Tell me more."
"As expected, he's promising to reverse our cuts to their Green Project and he is almost coming right out and telling business that he will be generous, very generous to climate-friendly industry development."
"More pandering on the global warming front, as we suspected he would. No surprise there."
"That pretty much sums up his speech."
"That's it?"
"Afghanistan wasn't even mentioned once!"
"You're kidding!"
"I'm not. But how could he? The Chretien-Martin Legacy is as responsible for our troops being there as we are."
"You know where that leaves us for the election don't you?"
"Of course. Our platform will be on the long term for our soldiers in Afghanistan. Anybody who doesn't support us, doesn't support them. We'll show them the meaning of pandering."

SNOW HITS CENTRAL CANADA
Topic: January 15, 2007
"Stephen, it's John Baird calling."
"Who?"
"John Baird, your new Environment Minister."
"Great! Stockwell, why don't you run along and fetch me some coffee while I speak to John."
"The usual sir?"
"Yeah. A large triple triple and a twenty pack, no, better make it forty, Tim Bits®. And Stockwell?"
"Yes sir?"
"Hurry back. This crisis won't last long. We need to milk it for all we can. Better take some media with you in case a photo-op presents itself."
"Good thinking sir."
"Hello John? Stephen here."
"How are you holding out sir?"
"We're doing the best we can under the circumstances."
"Not to worry, it shouldn't last too long."
"That's exactly what I'm worried about. There's very little drama associated with this storm. I checked the news, they're just calling it a snowstorm. I want that changed!"
"To what?"
"Let's call it an ice storm. Yeah that's it. Get some theme music written up and call it an ice storm. Have your film crews get some footage of cars sliding into each other etc. I want to see this on every channel by supper time."
"Gee sir, why don't we just call out the army?"
"We can't! Our best snow shovellers are in Afghanistan. Those that aren't are too busy playing paintball to help us. No, we're on our own for this one. Who'd have ever thunk it?"
"Sir, it happens. It's the middle of January. It will snow from time to time in Ontario."
"Not on my watch."

Public Appointments Made Without Scrutiny
Topic: January 12, 2007
"Mr. Harper."
"Yes?"
"Congratulations on having passed the fairness in government rules."
"Thank you."
"How soon before we see the changes come to fruition?"
"Well it went through December 12, so we are guessing a few more weeks."
"Why so long?"
"Paperwork. It all takes time."
"There are critics who are stating that since the passage, you have pushed through 118 uncontested appointments to government positions."
"So?"
"Don't you think it's somewhat hypocritical to campaign on, pass a law for openness and accountability in government and yet still cram in as many patronage appointments as you can before it becomes law?"
"No. No I don't."
"I see. Is there someone else I can speak to regarding this issue?"
"Sure by all means. You can speak to the newly appointed government official Ethics Officer Jimmy Jack Harper."
"Any relation to you sir?"
"I couldn't say but I'm sure Jimmy Jack will be able to help you. If he can't, you can ask his assistant, Stickwell Day. And if you can't find Stickwell there's Prissy MacKay and Fred Ambrose. They're all qualified bureaucrats."
"But how can we know this for sure when they are snuck into these cushy, well paying jobs without any scrutiny?"
"You'll see. They'll also be in charge of putting a stop to this kind of frivolous spending as soon as it becomes law. Let history record that the Stephen Harper Conservatives have put an end to Cronyism in politics."
"I wish I could, I really, really do."

CANADIAN COINS USED TO SPY
Topic: January 11, 2007
RING
"Agent Smith here."
"Hello Smith. Stockwell Day here."
"Minister Day, it's good to hear from you. We were expecting your call."
"We?"
"Oui?"
"No. I don't speak French. You said "we?" "
"We?"
"Yes. You said, "we were expecting your call.""
"No I didn't."
"Who else is on this line?"
"Just me sir."
"Smith?"
"Yes sir?"
"Is this line secure?"
"As secure as you can get sir."
"You've seen the papers?"
"Yes we have."
"There! You did it again!"
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did."
"That's correct sir. I have seen the papers. We told you this would happen."
"Listen Smith, as Minister in charge of CSIS, it was my duty to see that Canada has kept up with modern spy techniques. It was for the prestige."
"We're the laughing stock now."
"You've denied it right?"
"Of course. Blamed the Russians and Chinese, even hinted France might be involved too."
"Excellent. Always blame the French."
"The thought sir, of making hollow Toonies for surveillance transmitters, was not thought through. When the Americans hollowed out silver dollars, it was for smuggling items. What possible use would it be, tracking a Toonie given to an American contractor? They spend them! We know where they go already. We carpool when they're in town. We don't need to track them."
"I wish you'd been more vocal about this at the meeting."
"We were sir!"
"Smith?"
"Which one?"
"Which one?"
"We're all named Smith here sir. You should consider a name change yourself."
CLICK

U S DENIES SOMALIA OFFENSIVE BUSH TO ADD THOUSANDS MORE TROOPS TO IRAQ BUSH TO GIVE SPEECH TONIGHT
Topic: January 10, 2007

"Let me say that it's so nice to see all of your fresh eager faces out here today... heh heh."
"Mr. President!"
"Mr. President!"
"Mr. President!"
"You. The one with the face. Go ahead son, ask away."
"Thank you sir. Scoop Daily, Eavesdroppings News. We are hearing reports that the United States has launched a fresh assault on Somalia. Will you confirm or deny these reports?"
"No."
"But-"
"You've had your question son, now sit down. Next, you go ahead, ask away."
"Sir, to echo my colleague's last question..."
"Echo? Echo? Is this the Grand Canyon? Heh heh. Well, here's an echo for you. No. No. No. Nooooooo."
"Mr. President!"
"Mr. President!"
"Mr. President!"
"We have reports that Al Qaeda militant, Fazul Abdullah Mohammed was killed."
"I have those same reports. No terrorist is safe anywhere. Like the T.V. shows says "Bad Boys, Bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?" I'll tell you what they're gonna do, they're gonna die!"
"Sir, is that an admission that the United States is targeting Somalia?"
"No. Next Question. You there...girlie...go ahead."
"Uh thanks. What of the reports that you intend to send over 21,000 more soldiers to Iraq and spend billions more?"

"Got a problem with that do you?"
"I think the American public might have something to say about that."
"Oooh. So what are they going to say? I'm the President of The United States. I'm on my last term! To quote Nelson Muntz, Ha! Ha!"

MacKay Visits Afghanistan and Pakistan
Topic: January 9, 2007

"Peter, it's Stephen, how's the trip?"
"Great. It's hot here though."
"I heard there was a missile fired at the base the day your plane was to take off."
"Yeah, we couldn't have timed it any better."
"I thought it was very well timed. We'll have to thank our friends for that one. It made you look like James Caan."
"Too bad they didn't have a potato farm for me to look weepy and wistful in. Be that as it may, I was able to get several more solider pics in the extra time the "attack" gave us."
"Stay the course, adapt, overcome. Every photo-op mission you go out on is important. I'm very proud of your successes so far."
"Did you know there's a Tim Horton's out there?"
"That's where I bought my travel mug."
"Darn! I picked one up for you as a souvenir. Oh well, I'll send it to Condie instead. Too bad she wasn't along. Talk about your perfect photo-op."
"Enough of Afghanistan. How was Pakistan?"
"Not bad. The food was really good. They made an excellent curried chicken and rice dish at the hotel I was staying in... Darn! I forgot to get the recipe."
"Don't worry about that. We'll get it for you. There are more trips in the planning stage. Tell me some good news."
"I got my picture taken with their new Prime Minister and his Foreign Affairs Minister, you know whats-his-name... and oh yeah, lots of soldier pics too."
"Exxxxxxcelllllllent."

BAIRD CALLS WEATHER A WAKE UP CALL NDP WIELD POWER
Topic: January 8, 2007
RIIIIIINGGGG
"Hello?"
"Morning John."
"What time is it?"
"It's your four a.m. wakeup. You'll be getting more of them from now until I force the election."
"Who is this? I demand to know!"
"It's Jack Layton. I cleared this with Stephen. Didn't he tell you?"
"Sorry Mr. Layton, I didn't recognize your voice. You're saying that Mr. Harper is cool with this?"
"He's the one who gave me your number."
"I see , so what do you want?"
"I want to rule this country, but since that's not likely, I still want to do my part to better Canada and if I have to blackmail every Conservative in order to do it, then I will."
"I see."
"I'm not sure you do. I hear you're going to be in Stanley Park today surveying damage. You can have your photo-op but then I expect you to get back to me later with some hard data on how you're going to meet Kyoto. I'll be in touch."
CLICK!
"I told you he'd call."
"Gosh Stephen, you're right. He's so giddy now that he doesn't need the Liberals to sink us that he thinks he's in charge."
"Let him focus on the environment. It draws attention away from Afghanistan. By the time he forces the election, it'll be too late. He doesn't know it but he's buying us the precioussss time we need to sink the Liberals. Mahahahahahahahahahaha."
"Stephen?"
"Yes?"
"I love it when you laugh maniacally."
"You ain't seen nothing yet precioussss."

Baird New Environment Minister for Canada
Topic: January 5, 2007

"Congratulations on the new cabinet position."
"Thanks. I'm looking forward to the challenge."
"You think it's going to be challenging?"
"It's certainly getting a lot more attention than we ever dreamed."
"Have you given any thought to Kyoto?"
"Not really. But I will. I'll be tough. I'll try not to blame the Liberals. Even though they didn't do anything for twelve years and then dumped Kyoto in our laps. Oh, we'll clean it up for them but we'll try not to blame them."
"Well it's nice to see you have a new attitude."
"We're trying. If it wasn't for those damn Liberals, I doubt that we would be in this mess."
"You know, and it's just me telling you this but it kind of sounds like you're still blaming the Liberals."
"No I'm not! It's just so very frustrating when you see someone of Rona Ambrose's calibre become a laughing stock. She inherited the mess courtesy of Jean Chretien and Company."
"Ambrose didn't do anything!"
"Exactly!"
"I'm afraid you've lost me."
"She accomplished so much. She now has Canadians more concerned about the environment. She has singlehandedly refocused the country's attention onto the environment and away from Afghanistan. All in one short year. That's no small accomplishment."
"Which she did by doing nothing."
"I prefer to see the glass as half full."
"Are you going to consult with her?"
"Of course! I need to ask her if I look better in blue or black. Cameras add ten pounds you know."

HARPER PLAYS MUSICAL CHAIRS WITH CABINET
Topic: January 04, 2007

“Are you sure this is the way we’re supposed to be picked for our new cabinet positions?”

“Am I sure Rona?  Oh my, of course I’m sure.  I think musical chairs is the fairest and might I add, a really fun way to pick a cabinet.”

“Well how come everyone else doesn’t have to run around these chairs?”

“That’s a good question.  You see, we started before you got here.  Yeah, yeah that’s it.  We started before you got here and they got to uh, keep their old positions because you were late.  Yeah, yeah, that’s it, you were late.”

“I’m twenty minutes early!”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Of course I’m sure!”

“Just like when you were sure that the Liberals spent 100 million on Kyoto when in fact they hadn’t spent a single penny?”

“Oh so you’re going to bring that up again?  Why aren’t you punishing Peter for his dog remark?”

“This isn’t about Peter.  It’s about the election, but don’t admit that to anyone.  Besides, there’s no proof he ever said it.  Unlike your comment that we were on track for meeting our Kyoto obligations but weren’t going to meet our target... what the hell was that?”

“I was pretty sure.”

“Pretty sure?”

“Tell you what.  If you can grab a chair after this song is finished, you get a cabinet position.  Are you game?”

“Of course, I’ve got the Knack now.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

“My sure Rona. For a bonus can you name it?”

“Uh...no.”