"Hi Peter it’s Rona."

"Hang on, Stockwell and Stephen are here too. I’ll put us on speaker phone."

"Hey Stockwell, Stephen. I just heard. How are you guys holding up?"

"It was a grim, grim day Rona."

"I know. I just couldn’t believe it. Here I was in Kenya, thinking all was going right in the world and then WHAM! Something like this hits you."

"Makes you think doesn’t it?"

"I guess none of us can be complacent can we?"

"You can say that again."

"How’s the conference going?"

"Conference? How can anyone concentrate on a boring old climate change conference when such earth shattering...no, earth changing news like this hits you. This is something that will actually change things. Not in five, ten or even fifty years from now, but right now, today. It will never be the same."

"You got that right."

"So do we have a strategy for this? What are we going to do about it?"

"Well, as Prime Minister of Canada I will have to make a statement. My speechwriters are fine-tuning it now. I just hope I can do it without breaking into tears."

"You have to put up a brave front Stephen. For the good of the party. For the good of every breathing person living in North America."

"I’ll try. Who could believe that the Democrats won?"

"DEMOCRATS?"

"Of course, what were you three talking about."

"Britney Spears and Kevin Federline splitting up."

"Oh my. That is big. I hadn’t heard."

"It’s a real honour having you here in my office Grapes...er, can I call you Grapes?"

"Lemme tell ya sumthing Stevie, you’re the Prime Minister of Canada. You can call me whatever the hell you want."

"Gee that’s great Grapes, I’m your number one faaaaaaan."

"Now I wanna tell you sumthin and you need to listen and listen good. You got that?"

"Sure Grapes."

"All that stuff I said out there was for the troops out there to hear. I support and respect those boys more than most of the hockey players I know."

"I really appreciate it Grapes."

"Stevie,it wasn’t for you. Those boys are dying over there. There’s some bad stuff going on, we know that, and I’m not about to wade into the middle of a political fight at the expense of our guys and tell Canadians that your coaching abilities may not be what’s best for team. And let me tell ya, your team needs some shaking up."

"Well, I did send off Ambrose to Kenya for awhile."

"That’s a start, now what about that MacKay boy hmm? Not even man enough to admit sumthin everybody already believes he said. And what was that crap. You know what I’m talkin about, that staged photo op after Stronach and he split? And then the comment??? Doesn’t he know who she’s seeing now? I tell ya, he better not get in Ty’s way."

"Well, it’s a good thing hockey has nothing to do with politics."

"Canadians know that too."

"Hurry up Rona. You’ll be late for the opening of the conference."

"I’m not going. I have a stomach-ache...ya that’s it, a stomach-ache."

"But we’re already in Kenya!"

"So?"

"So? We have some fancy talking to do and we can’t do it if you’re not present."

"So?"

"What if Stephen finds out?"

"Do you really think he cares about this conference? I mean, if he really cared about the environment do you think that he would have me as the minister for it in the first place? I mean really..."

"Well you do have a point there but we should at least show up."

"I suppose I could show up for a few minutes. Get some pictures taken. Maybe you could find some starving orphans or something. It’d be proof I was there. Nothing like a photo-op when your chips are down. Just ask MacKay."

"That’s more like it. That sounds like the old Rona."

"Who’s old?"

"That’s not what I meant and you know it."

"Turn up the air conditioner will you. It’s like, Africa hot here."

"It’s on full and this is Africa remember?"

"Well then just go buy another one...no wait...buy two I want to put one in the closet to keep my shoes fresh. You better take the hotel limo, you’ll need the extra space."

"Hotel limo? We brought our own."

"Take both, just in case."

"I don’t suppose you have your Canadian Tire card do you?"

"Don’t be silly, use the party’s American Express."

"Thanks for coming in ladies and gentlemen. It’s been a banner week for us at the NDP. Before we start I think we should give thanks to whatever or whoever the powers in the cosmos are that delivered such wonderful gifts to us. Joe? Would you like to say a few words?"

"Thanks Jack. Let’s face it folks, the timing of the release of Sir Nicholas Stern’s report on the dire economic impact of global warming couldn’t have been better. Harper had very few options left and they were yanked out from underneath him. We had a chance to slip in our proposal virtually unopposed. I think we should send Tony Blair a box of Red Rose Tea."

"Agreed."

"The next person on our thank you list has to be Stockwell Day."

"Good grief whatever for?"

"Maybe you haven’t heard. He estimates, conservatively, ha ha, that arming and training our border guards will cost around a billion dollars."

"A billion? He said that publicly? Ha!"

"Really! It’s true!"

"Christmas is still two months away!"

"We’re so lucky! When the Liberals announced the gun registry way back when, they said it would only cost two million and have spent over a billion, nearly two, since then. There is no way the public will have confidence in this government either. Nor will they put up with it!

The Liberals can’t critique this without looking like idiots. We’ll be heroes."

"Some of his church buddies insulted homosexuals too."

"Send him a fruit basket."

"Is this Tom Higgins?"

"Yes it is."

"Thee Tom Higgins? The head coach of the Calgary Stampeders?"

"Yes. Who’s this?"

"It’s Stephen Harper."

"Stephen who?"

"Harper. The Prime Minister of Canada. I’m a really big fan."

"I wish I could say the same."

"Normally I don’t like to meddle in things I know nothing about but since I’m on a roll I had an idea that might help your guys beat the Green Machine."

"I’m not sure I follow you."

"You know, the Saskatchewan Roughriders. We’ve come up with an idea to help your team win this football game."

"I don’t think we need any help, thanks."

"I’ve already spoken with Ted Hellard, your team’s president and we felt that we shouldn’t have that nasty rodent of theirs running around our field. Digging up holes and what not. So we’ve had him banned from the playing field."

"What? Why raise a controversy where none is needed or wanted?"

"Trust me Tom. It works! We’ve been doing it since we got elected. Divert their attention from the really important issues and let them waste their energy on the fluff. By game time they’ll be so worked up over that oversized rat that they’ll forget they have a game to play."

"And you say Ted is okay with this?"

"Yes. He’s worried your team may not have enough support in the stands and he doesn’t want any outside influences stirring things up."

"You better hope Jack Layton isn’t a Rider fan!"

"Come in Rona. Sit down."

"Thanks Stephen, what’s up?"

"Layton is giving us until noon to make changes to the Clean Air Act. Or else."

"Or else what?"

"He’ll file a non-confidence vote in the House."

"Can he do that?"

"Yes. Yes he can."

"That’s hardly fair."

"Fair has nothing to do with it. Do you think it’s fair KFC is changing their oil for their chicken? I doubt it will be as delicious. I’m very worried."

"Me too. I love that chicken. They can’t do that can they?"

"Already in the works."

"Hmmmpff."

"It’s as if the NDP infiltrated KFC and are forcing sweeping changes to improve quality for consumer’s health."

"They won’t stop at anything will they?"

"It seems unlikely. But we’ve digressed. Back to the clean air thing."

"Well why don’t we stall for more time."

"Been there, done that. They want movement on the environment now."

"…or else they’ll try to topple us. I think we should get the cabinet in to discuss this."

"Great idea. Set it up right away, have an early lunch brought in. Maybe we should get the Liberal and the Bloc members in too. I’m sure they don’t want to be campaigning before Christmas."

"Might as well order in some KFC before that’s ruined too. I have a coupon."

"Sounds yummy. With any luck we can get enough Liberals and Bloc to vote against the non-confidence vote if it’s tabled. We’ll lick those NDP’ers good."

"Jack."

"Stephen."

"Come in."

"Thanks."

"Won’t you have a seat?"

"Don’t mind if I do. Thanks for seeing me on such short notice."

"Always a pleasure...so, what’s on your mind?"

"As I’ve said before, our party is extremely dissatisfied with your Clean Air Act. If you hadn’t met with me I was filing a motion of non-confidence and forcing a fall election."

"Yeah, you sure called us out on that one. Surprised it took you so long. It’s simply amazing how easy it is to distract the House and the public."

"You mean, you actually agree your Act is awful?"

"We never expected it to get this far. We’d hoped a non-confidence vote would have come sooner. This could be just what we’ve been waiting for."

"You mean you’re welcoming an election?"

"Between you and me? Yes!"

"Why?"

"Well, we couldn’t do it because the Liberals are leaderless. It would have looked...tacky. But now that you opened the possibility, we can move while the Liberals are still weak. We’ll simply blame you for an election no-one wants. It’s a win win for us."

"I think the public would welcome an election, and us, for forcing you into one."

"Not after our spin guys are finished. We might just squeak through with a small majority this time."

"Good day sir!"

SLAM!

"You can come out now Rona."

"Do you think he bought it?"

"I think I bought us another week. Better get MacKay working on another diversion."

"Yes, Ottawa is satisfied with the U.S. response to the Maher Arar case. You could say we’re happy about it."

"But Mr. MacKay, the letter from Condoleeza Rice contained no apology."

"I can respect that."

"But he was deported without notification to Syria where he was tortured."

"It’s not what the letter says, it’s what it doesn’t say. You have to be able to read between the lines on communications like this."

"Mr. Arar’s lawyers don’t share your enthusiasm. They noticed there was no apology."

"Apology, schmapology. Why is everyone hung up on apologies these days? They said they’d notify us next time that they ship off one of our citizens to Syria. What more do you want?"

"I think an apology would be in order."

"Again with the apology? We’ve covered this."

"Can you tell us if they removed Mr. Arar and his family from their watch lists?"

"They never specified that but let me say that I, uh, we are satisfied with the substance of the letter from Secretary of State Rice."

"With no apology Mr. MacKay, how can you possibly be satisfied with the letter?"

"I, er, this government is happy with not apologising. I think we have shown that already. Maybe they feel they don’t have anything to apologise for. I mean we’re the ones who tipped them off in the first place."

"Why are you happy with the letter?"

"Look at the signature. Condy signed Rice with a heart above the I."

"... Ignatieff, Dryden, Rae, Dion and Volpe."

"We can’t forget about the NDP."

"Of course not. All of them! Layton and Comartin, for sure at the top of the list."

"Now what about Stronach and Turner? I’m not sure how they fall into the mix on this."

"I think it goes without saying that they are on their own ‘special" list."

"And the Bloc?"

"Duceppe in big bold black letters."

"And what of entertainers?"

"Better get a new pad of paper. Barbara Streisand and the Dixie Chicks for starters."

"What about Michael J. Fox?"

"Is he still Canadian?"

"Does it matter?"

"No. Not in the least."

"He’s on the list then. Can’t have a guy like that not be on the list."

"I think we should give this to Senator Banks. He’d know more about who’s who on the celebrity circuit and where they stand."

"Works for me."

"Sports... what of sports figures?"

"The Leafs?"

"The entire organization."

"And Domi?"

"He gets a special exemption. He can do more good for our cause if he’s mobile."

"Here’s one. The Saskatchewan Roughriders."

"I like it. They eliminated Edmonton and now they’re threatening the my Stampeders."

"Won’t there be a backlash?"

"Only from the city centers. Rural folks there are on the program."

"Okay I think I see where we’re headed with this, why don’t I finish up and fire it off to Zacardelli?"

"I feel safer already Stockwell."

"As do I Stephen, as do I."