"And the winner is... Canada!"

"ZZZZZZZZZ"

"Psst, Rona, wake up."

"Wha-?"

"Wake up! We just won the Fossil Award."

"I’m awake. I’m awake. Where are the stairs to the stage? Never mind I see them."

"Wait Rona. You don’t understand."

"No time to wait, gotta go accept the award."

"Ahem, now where’s my speech? Oh here it is. Dear Climate guys and ladies."

"BOOOO. Hisssss."

"On behalf of Stephen Harper and the Conservative Party, thanks for choosing Canada to receive this prestigious award."

"BOOOO. Hisssss."

"I am glad you have seen that our strategy of doing nothing is really an endorsement for the environment."

"BOOOO. Hisssss."

"To have been chosen twice in a row is most overwhelming and rest assured that our policy of doing nothing will continue unabated."

"BOOOO. Hisssss."

"I’d also like to thank whoever voted for us and any other little people I forgot to mention. I can see the floor director is giving me the wrap up it sign so let me say this. Woohooo!!! I’m going to Disneyland! Canada Rocks!"

"BOOOO. Hisssss."

"That wasn’t so bad now was it? This country is so quaint. I think it’s cute that they boo and hiss instead of applauding but I guess that’s normal for a backward country."

"Rona. The Fossil Award is given to the country deemed to have done the least for the environment. It’s meant to embarrass us."

"Who cares? We won something. Let’s go for three in a row."

"I’m sure we’ll do it."

"150 Grand? For one shell? You gotta be kidding!"

"But this is a smart shell, ya, ya, that’s it, a smart shell. You don’t want to be protecting your troops with a dumb shell do you?"

"Well, er, uh of course not."

"Well then these smart shells are a steal of a deal at 150."

"But I mean, a Ferrari costs 150 grand."

"Well these shells are the Cadillacs of shells. You don’t want your troops to be firing off Edsels do you?"

"What kind of options come with it?"

"Let me see... it comes with... with... with, an automatic Taliban Detector. Ya, a Taliban detector, that’s it. You fire it into a crowd from say 40 kilometres away and it will only kill the Taliban in the crowd."

"Well, that’s pretty cool. What else can you throw in?"

"Well this isn’t just for anyone who comes along see, but since I like you, if you commit to these shells today, we’ll throw in the undercoating for free. That’s a ten thousand dollar value."

"I don’t know, I may have to think about this for awhile."

"I’ve just spoken with my manager and he tells me that if you act today, we’ll not only paint them red and white with a big maple leaf on them, but we’ll throw in a pine scented deodorizer on each one to remind the troops of home."

"Sniff. Where do I sign? It’s moments like this that make me proud to be a Canadian."

"So, Mr. Klein, you are considering a teaching position with our college. Tell me why."

"Well, I’ll tell you straight. That’s the way I am. A straight shooter. I need a job. I’ve been given the Golden Handshake. It appears the Conservative party of this country is bent on downsizing."

"I see, and what do you think qualifies you for a position?"

"You new here or something? Did you think those anonymous donations to endow your college weren’t without strings attached? Speaking of being well endowed, did you hear the one about the..."

"Mr Klein!"

"While I’m here why don’t you make yourself useful and get me something to drink. Anything’s good for me. Ahhhh I’m really looking forward to retirement. Where would my office be here anyway?"

"The water fountain is out in the hall. Help yourself. As far as an office goes, you’d most likely share one with three other instructors."

"Share? You a commie or something? Do you know who I am? I’m King Ralph! I’ll rule this college. Say who’s the chick on the wall? Nice rack."

"The ‘chick’ is Queen Elizabeth..."

"Say that reminds me of a joke, how many times can we offend Belinda Stronach with just one line?"

"Mr. Klein!"

"We, don’t know…we just keep on going and going and going! Get it?"

"Yes I get it, I think you’ve made a mistake. This is a building of higher learning. I think you may want to try the clown school down the street."

"Hi Peter it’s Rona."

"Hang on, Stockwell and Stephen are here too. I’ll put us on speaker phone."

"Hey Stockwell, Stephen. I just heard. How are you guys holding up?"

"It was a grim, grim day Rona."

"I know. I just couldn’t believe it. Here I was in Kenya, thinking all was going right in the world and then WHAM! Something like this hits you."

"Makes you think doesn’t it?"

"I guess none of us can be complacent can we?"

"You can say that again."

"How’s the conference going?"

"Conference? How can anyone concentrate on a boring old climate change conference when such earth shattering...no, earth changing news like this hits you. This is something that will actually change things. Not in five, ten or even fifty years from now, but right now, today. It will never be the same."

"You got that right."

"So do we have a strategy for this? What are we going to do about it?"

"Well, as Prime Minister of Canada I will have to make a statement. My speechwriters are fine-tuning it now. I just hope I can do it without breaking into tears."

"You have to put up a brave front Stephen. For the good of the party. For the good of every breathing person living in North America."

"I’ll try. Who could believe that the Democrats won?"

"DEMOCRATS?"

"Of course, what were you three talking about."

"Britney Spears and Kevin Federline splitting up."

"Oh my. That is big. I hadn’t heard."

"It’s a real honour having you here in my office Grapes...er, can I call you Grapes?"

"Lemme tell ya sumthing Stevie, you’re the Prime Minister of Canada. You can call me whatever the hell you want."

"Gee that’s great Grapes, I’m your number one faaaaaaan."

"Now I wanna tell you sumthin and you need to listen and listen good. You got that?"

"Sure Grapes."

"All that stuff I said out there was for the troops out there to hear. I support and respect those boys more than most of the hockey players I know."

"I really appreciate it Grapes."

"Stevie,it wasn’t for you. Those boys are dying over there. There’s some bad stuff going on, we know that, and I’m not about to wade into the middle of a political fight at the expense of our guys and tell Canadians that your coaching abilities may not be what’s best for team. And let me tell ya, your team needs some shaking up."

"Well, I did send off Ambrose to Kenya for awhile."

"That’s a start, now what about that MacKay boy hmm? Not even man enough to admit sumthin everybody already believes he said. And what was that crap. You know what I’m talkin about, that staged photo op after Stronach and he split? And then the comment??? Doesn’t he know who she’s seeing now? I tell ya, he better not get in Ty’s way."

"Well, it’s a good thing hockey has nothing to do with politics."

"Canadians know that too."

"Hurry up Rona. You’ll be late for the opening of the conference."

"I’m not going. I have a stomach-ache...ya that’s it, a stomach-ache."

"But we’re already in Kenya!"

"So?"

"So? We have some fancy talking to do and we can’t do it if you’re not present."

"So?"

"What if Stephen finds out?"

"Do you really think he cares about this conference? I mean, if he really cared about the environment do you think that he would have me as the minister for it in the first place? I mean really..."

"Well you do have a point there but we should at least show up."

"I suppose I could show up for a few minutes. Get some pictures taken. Maybe you could find some starving orphans or something. It’d be proof I was there. Nothing like a photo-op when your chips are down. Just ask MacKay."

"That’s more like it. That sounds like the old Rona."

"Who’s old?"

"That’s not what I meant and you know it."

"Turn up the air conditioner will you. It’s like, Africa hot here."

"It’s on full and this is Africa remember?"

"Well then just go buy another one...no wait...buy two I want to put one in the closet to keep my shoes fresh. You better take the hotel limo, you’ll need the extra space."

"Hotel limo? We brought our own."

"Take both, just in case."

"I don’t suppose you have your Canadian Tire card do you?"

"Don’t be silly, use the party’s American Express."

"Thanks for coming in ladies and gentlemen. It’s been a banner week for us at the NDP. Before we start I think we should give thanks to whatever or whoever the powers in the cosmos are that delivered such wonderful gifts to us. Joe? Would you like to say a few words?"

"Thanks Jack. Let’s face it folks, the timing of the release of Sir Nicholas Stern’s report on the dire economic impact of global warming couldn’t have been better. Harper had very few options left and they were yanked out from underneath him. We had a chance to slip in our proposal virtually unopposed. I think we should send Tony Blair a box of Red Rose Tea."

"Agreed."

"The next person on our thank you list has to be Stockwell Day."

"Good grief whatever for?"

"Maybe you haven’t heard. He estimates, conservatively, ha ha, that arming and training our border guards will cost around a billion dollars."

"A billion? He said that publicly? Ha!"

"Really! It’s true!"

"Christmas is still two months away!"

"We’re so lucky! When the Liberals announced the gun registry way back when, they said it would only cost two million and have spent over a billion, nearly two, since then. There is no way the public will have confidence in this government either. Nor will they put up with it!

The Liberals can’t critique this without looking like idiots. We’ll be heroes."

"Some of his church buddies insulted homosexuals too."

"Send him a fruit basket."