WILL HE OR WON'T HE SEE HIS SHADOW
Topic: February 2, 2007
"I've been looking forward to this day for months."
"Me too. It's so exiting."
"The anticipation just builds and builds."
"I'm worried though."
"Oh ya? What about?"
"It's obvious. If he comes out and sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of this."
"You're a, the glass is half-empty type of thinker aren't you? Why don't you try thinking about what if he doesn't see his shadow?"
"I don't think we could ever be that lucky."
"That's enough of those negative waves. Think positive. We need to emit positive energy so that maybe, on a different level, he can pick up on it. It could mean a huge difference."
"You really believe in this stuff don't you?"
"Of course. We've got to believe in something. If we don't, we lose all hope. At least this gives us a chance to feel good. To dream, to hope. You got to have hope. What's the point of going on if you don't have hope? Can you imagine this never ending? It's got to end sooner or later. Nothing lasts forever. So if you believe that it will change, it's just a matter of when and if you can target a when, the dream becomes a reality. No, we need this. We need to hope."
"That's a lot of pressure don't you think?"
"I don't know, all we need to do is have Jack Layton not see his shadow and force an election."
"Shhh! His office door is opening... he's coming out!"

TORIES UPSET AT FAT JOKE BY DION
Topic: January 31, 2007
"Where the hell is the Haagen Dazs?"
"Right here sir. I've arranged them by flavour for you. Would you like to wait until you're finished the KFC?"
"I asked for the ice cream. That means now. I'll have them together."
"You can't let those bullies get to you."
"I'm not afraid of Stephane. I can take that four-eyes any day of the week. Where's the chocolate sauce? Where does he get off making fun of my tummy in public?"
"Unmitigated gall."
"I think I'm gonna wait for him outside after session. We'll see who the big man is then won't we?"
"Don't lower yourself to their level sir. It's un-Primeministerial."
"I'll stomp him into oblivion... and his little dog too."
"Couldn't we just send in some hired goons sir? It's more anonymous. We could Nancy Kerrigan him."
"I like it. Get some of Stockwell's boys on that."
"You sure he's up to something like this?"
"Maybe not. I'll call George, he'll know what to do. Make yourself useful, hand me those gummy bears."
"Shouldn't we keep this in-house?"
"Well, who would you suggest then?"
"Why don't we get Peter MacKay to do it?"
"That's a great idea! Even if he's caught red-handed, he'll just keep on denying that he ever did it. That reminds me, you better give the photo-op corps the night off."
"That's why you're in charge sir, you always think of everything."
"Well he's at it, he might as well see if he can do Layton too."

ENVIRONMENT COMMISSIONER FIRED 2 YEAR OLD LETTER HAUNTS HARPER
Topic: Tuesday January 30, 2007
"I really appreciate your help Stockwell."
"It's a pleasure. My shredder is your shredder."
"It's so massive. I can't believe the volume of material it's capable of taking. Where on earth did you get this?"
"I'm not without some influence you know. I know a guy who knows a guy in the CIA."
"The CIA? You bought a shredder from the CIA?"
"Well, not exactly. They donated them to us. We have several."
"I'm not sure I approve."
"Listen Stephen. If any more material like this comes to the attention of the Liberals you could end up looking like more of hypocrite than you do now."
"Yeah who'd have thought the Liberals would drag a letter from the past out?"
"Especially one confirming you are more concerned with the oil industry than you are the environment."
"Good thing they don't have their hands on these babies eh?"
"If they leaked out, we couldn't buy a vote in a prison with a handful of pardons."
"At least the public still trusts us. Wow! This thing just made confetti out fifty sheets."
"I told you they were good."
"But they came from the CIA?"
"The finest quality. Stephen, between you and me, did you have anything to do with Gelinas being fired?"
"Who me? Say Stockwell, I'm a little nervous about this shredder. There's a button here that says image-capture and another that says transmit."
"I asked about that when was I asking about Maher Arar."
"What did they say?"
"Trust us."

TORIES LAUNCH ATTACK ADS ON DION LAYTON TARGETS BANK FEES
Topic: January 29, 2007
It's moments like this that make me happy I'm the Leader of the Liberal Party. What a great morning. I'm so excited!
Thanks to the Tories attacking my record on the environment, it's going to be a boisterous day. How dare Harper attack me! My colleagues will have a field day with this one. My only fear is that if we push back too hard, we might force an election call.
We're not ready for that yet! God forbid. No, we need more time to get organized and even more time for the public to forget about the sponsorship scandal. I hope Layton doesn't screw it up and force a non-confidence vote. I wonder what Jack is thinking right now...

Ah, what a great morning to be the Leader of the NDP. Dion and Harper are battling each other over the environment while I am left to plan our next great strategy.
I don't dare say anything more about Afghanistan. Each time I do, Harper makes it look like I am unpatriotic. Like I don't support our troops or something.
I know. I'll go ahead with my plan to attack bank fees. Yeah that's it, bank fees. I still hold the balance of power, for now. If we get rid of bank fees, we'll be heroes. Maybe we can win thirty seats in the next election if he doesn't call one too soon. I wonder what Harper's thinking...

I can't believe the Hawks beat the Flames in OT on Saturday.

STEPHANE DION PREDICTS 2007 ELECTION
Topic: Janaury 22, 2007
"Yes, that's correct. I believe that there will be an election in 2007."

"So what are you doing to prepare."

"Well, starting tonight, I am going to do my homework right after work. Each and every night until there's an election."

"I see. So does this mean you did your homework last night too?"

"Why... yes, yes I did."

"May I see it please?"

"Uh, see it? You see, I finished my homework, but then I left it beside the bureau and then our dog, Kyoto went and ate it."

"I see. So then, what of the rumours that you spent the entire weekend at a Dungeons and Dragons convention?"

"All lies!"

"But here's a photo of you in a cape, juggling twenty sided dice, wearing a t-shirt, with a wizard fighting a dragon."

"This must be an old photo."

"There's a newspaper with yesterday's headlines on the table beside you."

"No comment. I am not a nerd! Next Question?"

"Some would say that predicting an election this year is fairly obvious. Care to make any predictions that are a little bit more surprising?"

"I predict the NDP will not win."

"I suppose you'll say the Bloc won't win either?"

"Are you a psychic too? I was just going to say that."

"Any more earth shattering predictions?"

"Peter MacKay and other MP's will appear in a series of staged photo-ops disguised as foreign affairs missions."

"Truly amazing."

"Would you like to come over sometime and see my spell book?"

"No."

PARTIES ARGUE OVER DEBTS TO FLOOR CROSSING KHAN
Topic: January 17, 2007
"Stardate zero one, one seven, two zero, zero seven. The Progressive Conservative Political Cruise Ship, The S.S. Photo-op, on its mission of unknown duration has gone into a fuzzy orbit around a little known destination called Elections Canada."
"Mr. Flaherty. To the bridge!"
"Aye sir."
"While we're waiting for our Financial Officer to arrive, perhaps you can tell me why we're in this mess in the first place. Who'd like to go first? Hmmm? Nobody? You, yes you, why won't any of you come up with an explanation?"
"Me sir?"
"Yes."
"Well sir, it's just that uh, well..."
"Go on son."
"Well sir, it's just that if we tell you something that you don't like, well..."
"Go on..."
"If we tell you something you don't want to hear, we could end up like expendable crew member Ambrose sir."
"I thought I told you we would ever mention that name again. For that breach, I am making you..."
"Please sir don't..."
"I'm appointing you the Minister in charge of tracking all other Minister's photo opportunities."
"But sir! That's impossible. No one man or woman could ever keep track of such a portfolio. It's too massive!"
"Do I need to call security?"
"No sir, I'll go."
"Flaherty reporting as ordered sir."
"So explain to me why we should pay the campaign debts of a Liberal who crossed the floor to our ship?"
"The Liberals argue that we should have done a lien check first sir. We might have to pay."
"Khan... KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!"

DION GIVES FIRST MAJOR SPEECH AS LIBERAL LEADER
Topic: January 16, 2007
ZZZZZZZZZZZ
"Wake up sir, it's over."
"Wha-? Over? Right... finally. What did I miss?"
"Were you awake when he said he would continue the legacies of the Chretien-Martin governments?"
"Ha ha. That's a good one! He didn't really say that did he? I mean just because the rest of the country has forgotten about the sponsorship scandal doesn't mean that we won't remind them of that. Legacy indeed! No, I missed that part."
"How about the part where he said he plans on governing for the long term and get this... for the well being of our children and grandchildren."
"I feel like gagging. What pandering. So, if you're against Stephane Dion, you're against children and grandchildren? What rubbish."
"It's drivel."
"Tell me more."
"As expected, he's promising to reverse our cuts to their Green Project and he is almost coming right out and telling business that he will be generous, very generous to climate-friendly industry development."
"More pandering on the global warming front, as we suspected he would. No surprise there."
"That pretty much sums up his speech."
"That's it?"
"Afghanistan wasn't even mentioned once!"
"You're kidding!"
"I'm not. But how could he? The Chretien-Martin Legacy is as responsible for our troops being there as we are."
"You know where that leaves us for the election don't you?"
"Of course. Our platform will be on the long term for our soldiers in Afghanistan. Anybody who doesn't support us, doesn't support them. We'll show them the meaning of pandering."

SNOW HITS CENTRAL CANADA
Topic: January 15, 2007
"Stephen, it's John Baird calling."
"Who?"
"John Baird, your new Environment Minister."
"Great! Stockwell, why don't you run along and fetch me some coffee while I speak to John."
"The usual sir?"
"Yeah. A large triple triple and a twenty pack, no, better make it forty, Tim Bits®. And Stockwell?"
"Yes sir?"
"Hurry back. This crisis won't last long. We need to milk it for all we can. Better take some media with you in case a photo-op presents itself."
"Good thinking sir."
"Hello John? Stephen here."
"How are you holding out sir?"
"We're doing the best we can under the circumstances."
"Not to worry, it shouldn't last too long."
"That's exactly what I'm worried about. There's very little drama associated with this storm. I checked the news, they're just calling it a snowstorm. I want that changed!"
"To what?"
"Let's call it an ice storm. Yeah that's it. Get some theme music written up and call it an ice storm. Have your film crews get some footage of cars sliding into each other etc. I want to see this on every channel by supper time."
"Gee sir, why don't we just call out the army?"
"We can't! Our best snow shovellers are in Afghanistan. Those that aren't are too busy playing paintball to help us. No, we're on our own for this one. Who'd have ever thunk it?"
"Sir, it happens. It's the middle of January. It will snow from time to time in Ontario."
"Not on my watch."

Public Appointments Made Without Scrutiny
Topic: January 12, 2007
"Mr. Harper."
"Yes?"
"Congratulations on having passed the fairness in government rules."
"Thank you."
"How soon before we see the changes come to fruition?"
"Well it went through December 12, so we are guessing a few more weeks."
"Why so long?"
"Paperwork. It all takes time."
"There are critics who are stating that since the passage, you have pushed through 118 uncontested appointments to government positions."
"So?"
"Don't you think it's somewhat hypocritical to campaign on, pass a law for openness and accountability in government and yet still cram in as many patronage appointments as you can before it becomes law?"
"No. No I don't."
"I see. Is there someone else I can speak to regarding this issue?"
"Sure by all means. You can speak to the newly appointed government official Ethics Officer Jimmy Jack Harper."
"Any relation to you sir?"
"I couldn't say but I'm sure Jimmy Jack will be able to help you. If he can't, you can ask his assistant, Stickwell Day. And if you can't find Stickwell there's Prissy MacKay and Fred Ambrose. They're all qualified bureaucrats."
"But how can we know this for sure when they are snuck into these cushy, well paying jobs without any scrutiny?"
"You'll see. They'll also be in charge of putting a stop to this kind of frivolous spending as soon as it becomes law. Let history record that the Stephen Harper Conservatives have put an end to Cronyism in politics."
"I wish I could, I really, really do."

CANADIAN COINS USED TO SPY
Topic: January 11, 2007
RING
"Agent Smith here."
"Hello Smith. Stockwell Day here."
"Minister Day, it's good to hear from you. We were expecting your call."
"We?"
"Oui?"
"No. I don't speak French. You said "we?" "
"We?"
"Yes. You said, "we were expecting your call.""
"No I didn't."
"Who else is on this line?"
"Just me sir."
"Smith?"
"Yes sir?"
"Is this line secure?"
"As secure as you can get sir."
"You've seen the papers?"
"Yes we have."
"There! You did it again!"
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did."
"That's correct sir. I have seen the papers. We told you this would happen."
"Listen Smith, as Minister in charge of CSIS, it was my duty to see that Canada has kept up with modern spy techniques. It was for the prestige."
"We're the laughing stock now."
"You've denied it right?"
"Of course. Blamed the Russians and Chinese, even hinted France might be involved too."
"Excellent. Always blame the French."
"The thought sir, of making hollow Toonies for surveillance transmitters, was not thought through. When the Americans hollowed out silver dollars, it was for smuggling items. What possible use would it be, tracking a Toonie given to an American contractor? They spend them! We know where they go already. We carpool when they're in town. We don't need to track them."
"I wish you'd been more vocal about this at the meeting."
"We were sir!"
"Smith?"
"Which one?"
"Which one?"
"We're all named Smith here sir. You should consider a name change yourself."
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