AL GORE CLAIMS TORIES MISREPRESENTED HIM
Topic: February 12, 2007

Imagine if you will, a ruling minority government of the conservative persuasion. Ruling in another dimension, not of the mind but of a wondrous land where reality blends seamlessly with the absurd. A land we like to call, the Harper Zone.

"Who's on the environment portfolio?"
"No Ambrose is on the environmental post."
"She got reassigned?"
"Reassigned? Reassigned? When? Where? Why?"
"Not long after she made embarrassing statements which showed our government's stance on the environment."
"A stance? We have a stance? Why wasn't I informed of this?"
"Of course we don't have a stance."
"Phew! I thought I was dreaming or something. So what's next?"
"Not what. Baird. Baird is next."
"You have to admit he sure looked good in that photo-op of all those fallen trees in Vancouver."
"He didn't do anything though did he?"
"Heavens no. Just shook his head and clucked his tongue."
"That's a relief. The less he says the better."
"About that..."
"Yessss?"
"Well sir, it seems he misquoted Al Gore."
"Who let him speak?"
"Who was nowhere around. He just said it on his own."
"Does Al Gore know about this?"
"Sorry sir, the cat's out of the bag."
"Baird doesn't have an evil twin does he?"
"Not that we know of sir."
"He does now. Get Stockwell on that. We'll just claim it was his evil misguided brother who escaped from the asylum."
"It might work."
"And sew Baird's lips shut."
"Yessir!"......

A non-stop joyride for the absurd. The Harper Zone.

6 MILLION DOLLAR GEM HEIST IN TORONTO
Topic: February 7, 2007
"Stockwell? It's me. Stephen."
"Good morning sir. What's up?"
"I'm looking at the morning paper and I like what I see!"
"Which story are you referring to sir?"
"The six million dollar gem heist in Toronto."
"I'm familiar with the story. I'm just confused as to why you would be excited by it."
"Just how long have you been part of Team Harper Stockwell?"
"Uh, quite awhile now sir."
"Is that right? That long eh? I'm surprised you don't see the opportunity knocking on our door with this story."
"Opportunity sir?"
"It's  perfect  for us to get those seats away from the NDP. Don't you see it?"
"The NDP? No sir, I'm afraid I still don't follow."
"We plant a story or two with the media, both conventional and online, that Svend Robinson may have been seen lurking around this jewellery store."
"But sir-"
"Let me finish. We blow it out of proportion and humiliate the NDP. The public then votes for us instead of them in the next election."
"But sir, I pretty much doubt that Svend was anywhere near there."
"Who cares?"
"He's not even a member of parliament anymore."
"Who cares?"
"Won't the public be able to see through this sir?"
"Ha! They didn't see through Afghanistan did they? Now it's too late. Say, maybe we can twist this into the story too. Anyone who believes Svend is innocent doesn't support our troops."
"I'll get to work on it sir."
"See that you do."

MP GARTH TURNER TO JOIN LIBERALS
Topic: February 6, 2007
"Welcome aboard Garth."
"Thanks Stephane. I'm looking forward to writing about our new partnership."
"Uh, about that..."
"I'm sure my blog readers will look forward to our daily antics. I'm sure we'll get a significant number of hits to the site. I'm so excited."
"Uh, Garth about the blog..."
"Hey! I know. We could do a webcast at the ceremonies."
"There really isn't much of a ceremony Garth. Just a couple of forms to sign and you're in. Our Human Resources Manager will be happy to show you. It only takes a couple of minutes. You can do it in her office."
"I'll bring my laptop. How's the lighting? Never mind, I'll bring in a couple of spot lamps just to be safe. I'll have it all set up in a matter of minutes."
"Uh, Garth? Who's that woman peering in your window? She looks dangerous."
"Oh, she's nothing to worry about."
"But she's wailing and moaning."
"It's Elizabeth May. She'll get over it. Tell you what I'll do. I'll draw the blinds. There. Isn't that better?"
"Yes it is, thanks. Now back to business, we thought we'd seat you next to Belinda Stronach in The House."
"That no good flea bitten-"
"Garth. You're on our side now, remember?"
"That poor misunderstood woman. I'd be happy to have her at my side."
"Glad to hear it. Now I need the two of you to work on getting The NDP to join us too."
"I'll start on Layton."
"Excellent."

WILL HE OR WON'T HE SEE HIS SHADOW
Topic: February 2, 2007
"I've been looking forward to this day for months."
"Me too. It's so exiting."
"The anticipation just builds and builds."
"I'm worried though."
"Oh ya? What about?"
"It's obvious. If he comes out and sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of this."
"You're a, the glass is half-empty type of thinker aren't you? Why don't you try thinking about what if he doesn't see his shadow?"
"I don't think we could ever be that lucky."
"That's enough of those negative waves. Think positive. We need to emit positive energy so that maybe, on a different level, he can pick up on it. It could mean a huge difference."
"You really believe in this stuff don't you?"
"Of course. We've got to believe in something. If we don't, we lose all hope. At least this gives us a chance to feel good. To dream, to hope. You got to have hope. What's the point of going on if you don't have hope? Can you imagine this never ending? It's got to end sooner or later. Nothing lasts forever. So if you believe that it will change, it's just a matter of when and if you can target a when, the dream becomes a reality. No, we need this. We need to hope."
"That's a lot of pressure don't you think?"
"I don't know, all we need to do is have Jack Layton not see his shadow and force an election."
"Shhh! His office door is opening... he's coming out!"

TORIES UPSET AT FAT JOKE BY DION
Topic: January 31, 2007
"Where the hell is the Haagen Dazs?"
"Right here sir. I've arranged them by flavour for you. Would you like to wait until you're finished the KFC?"
"I asked for the ice cream. That means now. I'll have them together."
"You can't let those bullies get to you."
"I'm not afraid of Stephane. I can take that four-eyes any day of the week. Where's the chocolate sauce? Where does he get off making fun of my tummy in public?"
"Unmitigated gall."
"I think I'm gonna wait for him outside after session. We'll see who the big man is then won't we?"
"Don't lower yourself to their level sir. It's un-Primeministerial."
"I'll stomp him into oblivion... and his little dog too."
"Couldn't we just send in some hired goons sir? It's more anonymous. We could Nancy Kerrigan him."
"I like it. Get some of Stockwell's boys on that."
"You sure he's up to something like this?"
"Maybe not. I'll call George, he'll know what to do. Make yourself useful, hand me those gummy bears."
"Shouldn't we keep this in-house?"
"Well, who would you suggest then?"
"Why don't we get Peter MacKay to do it?"
"That's a great idea! Even if he's caught red-handed, he'll just keep on denying that he ever did it. That reminds me, you better give the photo-op corps the night off."
"That's why you're in charge sir, you always think of everything."
"Well he's at it, he might as well see if he can do Layton too."

ENVIRONMENT COMMISSIONER FIRED 2 YEAR OLD LETTER HAUNTS HARPER
Topic: Tuesday January 30, 2007
"I really appreciate your help Stockwell."
"It's a pleasure. My shredder is your shredder."
"It's so massive. I can't believe the volume of material it's capable of taking. Where on earth did you get this?"
"I'm not without some influence you know. I know a guy who knows a guy in the CIA."
"The CIA? You bought a shredder from the CIA?"
"Well, not exactly. They donated them to us. We have several."
"I'm not sure I approve."
"Listen Stephen. If any more material like this comes to the attention of the Liberals you could end up looking like more of hypocrite than you do now."
"Yeah who'd have thought the Liberals would drag a letter from the past out?"
"Especially one confirming you are more concerned with the oil industry than you are the environment."
"Good thing they don't have their hands on these babies eh?"
"If they leaked out, we couldn't buy a vote in a prison with a handful of pardons."
"At least the public still trusts us. Wow! This thing just made confetti out fifty sheets."
"I told you they were good."
"But they came from the CIA?"
"The finest quality. Stephen, between you and me, did you have anything to do with Gelinas being fired?"
"Who me? Say Stockwell, I'm a little nervous about this shredder. There's a button here that says image-capture and another that says transmit."
"I asked about that when was I asking about Maher Arar."
"What did they say?"
"Trust us."

TORIES LAUNCH ATTACK ADS ON DION LAYTON TARGETS BANK FEES
Topic: January 29, 2007
It's moments like this that make me happy I'm the Leader of the Liberal Party. What a great morning. I'm so excited!
Thanks to the Tories attacking my record on the environment, it's going to be a boisterous day. How dare Harper attack me! My colleagues will have a field day with this one. My only fear is that if we push back too hard, we might force an election call.
We're not ready for that yet! God forbid. No, we need more time to get organized and even more time for the public to forget about the sponsorship scandal. I hope Layton doesn't screw it up and force a non-confidence vote. I wonder what Jack is thinking right now...

Ah, what a great morning to be the Leader of the NDP. Dion and Harper are battling each other over the environment while I am left to plan our next great strategy.
I don't dare say anything more about Afghanistan. Each time I do, Harper makes it look like I am unpatriotic. Like I don't support our troops or something.
I know. I'll go ahead with my plan to attack bank fees. Yeah that's it, bank fees. I still hold the balance of power, for now. If we get rid of bank fees, we'll be heroes. Maybe we can win thirty seats in the next election if he doesn't call one too soon. I wonder what Harper's thinking...

I can't believe the Hawks beat the Flames in OT on Saturday.

STEPHANE DION PREDICTS 2007 ELECTION
Topic: Janaury 22, 2007
"Yes, that's correct. I believe that there will be an election in 2007."

"So what are you doing to prepare."

"Well, starting tonight, I am going to do my homework right after work. Each and every night until there's an election."

"I see. So does this mean you did your homework last night too?"

"Why... yes, yes I did."

"May I see it please?"

"Uh, see it? You see, I finished my homework, but then I left it beside the bureau and then our dog, Kyoto went and ate it."

"I see. So then, what of the rumours that you spent the entire weekend at a Dungeons and Dragons convention?"

"All lies!"

"But here's a photo of you in a cape, juggling twenty sided dice, wearing a t-shirt, with a wizard fighting a dragon."

"This must be an old photo."

"There's a newspaper with yesterday's headlines on the table beside you."

"No comment. I am not a nerd! Next Question?"

"Some would say that predicting an election this year is fairly obvious. Care to make any predictions that are a little bit more surprising?"

"I predict the NDP will not win."

"I suppose you'll say the Bloc won't win either?"

"Are you a psychic too? I was just going to say that."

"Any more earth shattering predictions?"

"Peter MacKay and other MP's will appear in a series of staged photo-ops disguised as foreign affairs missions."

"Truly amazing."

"Would you like to come over sometime and see my spell book?"

"No."

PARTIES ARGUE OVER DEBTS TO FLOOR CROSSING KHAN
Topic: January 17, 2007
"Stardate zero one, one seven, two zero, zero seven. The Progressive Conservative Political Cruise Ship, The S.S. Photo-op, on its mission of unknown duration has gone into a fuzzy orbit around a little known destination called Elections Canada."
"Mr. Flaherty. To the bridge!"
"Aye sir."
"While we're waiting for our Financial Officer to arrive, perhaps you can tell me why we're in this mess in the first place. Who'd like to go first? Hmmm? Nobody? You, yes you, why won't any of you come up with an explanation?"
"Me sir?"
"Yes."
"Well sir, it's just that uh, well..."
"Go on son."
"Well sir, it's just that if we tell you something that you don't like, well..."
"Go on..."
"If we tell you something you don't want to hear, we could end up like expendable crew member Ambrose sir."
"I thought I told you we would ever mention that name again. For that breach, I am making you..."
"Please sir don't..."
"I'm appointing you the Minister in charge of tracking all other Minister's photo opportunities."
"But sir! That's impossible. No one man or woman could ever keep track of such a portfolio. It's too massive!"
"Do I need to call security?"
"No sir, I'll go."
"Flaherty reporting as ordered sir."
"So explain to me why we should pay the campaign debts of a Liberal who crossed the floor to our ship?"
"The Liberals argue that we should have done a lien check first sir. We might have to pay."
"Khan... KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!"

DION GIVES FIRST MAJOR SPEECH AS LIBERAL LEADER
Topic: January 16, 2007
ZZZZZZZZZZZ
"Wake up sir, it's over."
"Wha-? Over? Right... finally. What did I miss?"
"Were you awake when he said he would continue the legacies of the Chretien-Martin governments?"
"Ha ha. That's a good one! He didn't really say that did he? I mean just because the rest of the country has forgotten about the sponsorship scandal doesn't mean that we won't remind them of that. Legacy indeed! No, I missed that part."
"How about the part where he said he plans on governing for the long term and get this... for the well being of our children and grandchildren."
"I feel like gagging. What pandering. So, if you're against Stephane Dion, you're against children and grandchildren? What rubbish."
"It's drivel."
"Tell me more."
"As expected, he's promising to reverse our cuts to their Green Project and he is almost coming right out and telling business that he will be generous, very generous to climate-friendly industry development."
"More pandering on the global warming front, as we suspected he would. No surprise there."
"That pretty much sums up his speech."
"That's it?"
"Afghanistan wasn't even mentioned once!"
"You're kidding!"
"I'm not. But how could he? The Chretien-Martin Legacy is as responsible for our troops being there as we are."
"You know where that leaves us for the election don't you?"
"Of course. Our platform will be on the long term for our soldiers in Afghanistan. Anybody who doesn't support us, doesn't support them. We'll show them the meaning of pandering."