EGYPTIAN BLOGGER JAILED
Topic: February 22, 2007
"Stockwell, Rona, Peter and the rest of you lumps, get in here. I've stumbled across something to get rid of those pesky bloggers making fun of us."
"That's fantastic Chief!"
"Peter, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, stop calling me Chief, it makes you sound like Maxwell Smart."
"Sorry about that Chief."
"That's better. All I ask from my caucus is humility and servitude."
"Don't forget photo-ops."
"I thought that went without saying."
"Well, it does but someone needed to say it don't you think?"
"I try not to think too much. George doesn't like it much when I do."
"You said something about Bloggers?"
"Right. Thanks for reminding me. It seems our old buddy, President Hosni Mubarak of Egypt got wind of a guy that was making fun of him online."
"I thought it was for making fun of Islam."
"Don't be naive. You can disregard religion to a certain degree but when you start making fun of the political leaders, then you're playing with fire. Making fun of Islam was only the ‘excuse' behind the real reason. Making fun of a political leader huh? I guess that blogger will have at least four years to figure that one out."
"So how does this translate to us? We can't jail bloggers for writing here."
"Not yet we can't. But what about for inciting hatred?"
"Hatred?"
"Yes hatred. Hatred of us!"
"It could work! I'll start a blogger task force."
"Stockwell, you complete me."

OLD STYLE LIGHT BULBS MAY BE BANNED IN ONTARIO
Topic: February 21, 2007
"Well, if it isn't John Q. Public. How the hell are you?"
"I'm not sure. I feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark."
"You are. Hang on a sec."
CLICK
"Wow! That's better, whatcha do?"
"I turned on the lights."
"But light bulbs are illegal aren't they?"
"Not these kind. These are government approved light bulbs."
"Well, if they're endorsed by the government, they must be okay."
"That's the kind of support that makes me proud to be Prime Minister of Canada."
"But I thought it was the Ontario Government that was banning the old style light bulbs, not the Federal Government."
"Are you saying then that you don't support our troops in Afghanistan?"
"What?"
"Its comments like those that really make me want to retch."
"Now wait a gall darned minute. Of course I support our troops. What Canadian doesn't?"
"I'm glad that we can continue counting on your support. Speaking of which, in order to keep our troops safe in Afghanistan we are going to be counting on that kind of support in the election."
"Election? Support? Are you saying our troops won't be safe if I vote Liberal or even NDP?"
"I never said that."
"Then why are you nodding your head up and down, tapping your nose and winking at me?"
"Listen I'd love to stay and chat but I have a budget to plan which will result in a non-confidence vote that just might get us re-elected. Ta."
"Maybe we should just ban politicians."

LIBERALS REFER TO HILLIER AS HARPER PROP
Topic: February 16, 2007
"So Defence Chief of Staff Hillier, do you deny being a prop for the conservative government?"
"Of course I do! Just because during the decade of darkness where we saw budget cuts as threats to our Canadian way of life happened to have occurred during a different reign of backboneless leadership, does not mean I'm a prop to the great and glorious Stephen Joseph Harper."
"So you're blaming the budget cuts by the Liberals during the nineties as the reason our troops are dying in Afghanistan?"
"I didn't say that. I just said that we were denied money for equipment and training. How can you train and be ready for a war if you take the funding away? Just because we weren't at war with anybody at the time didn't mean we shouldn't be."
"Did you stop to think that it may have been because at the time there was a deficit of over 40 billion dollars created by the previous Conservative government and that the Liberals were trying to clean up?"
"No comment."
"Will you comment then on perhaps that there was also a public outcry given the behaviour of some of your soldiers in Somalia the time?"
"No. Except we reject any parallels drawn to that and abuse allegations in Afghanistan."
"Are you going to run in the next election?"
"I couldn't say, but I will say, anybody who questions Mr. Harper about anything, must be a Liberal, a communist or worse... an NDP!"

AL GORE CLAIMS TORIES MISREPRESENTED HIM
Topic: February 12, 2007

Imagine if you will, a ruling minority government of the conservative persuasion. Ruling in another dimension, not of the mind but of a wondrous land where reality blends seamlessly with the absurd. A land we like to call, the Harper Zone.

"Who's on the environment portfolio?"
"No Ambrose is on the environmental post."
"She got reassigned?"
"Reassigned? Reassigned? When? Where? Why?"
"Not long after she made embarrassing statements which showed our government's stance on the environment."
"A stance? We have a stance? Why wasn't I informed of this?"
"Of course we don't have a stance."
"Phew! I thought I was dreaming or something. So what's next?"
"Not what. Baird. Baird is next."
"You have to admit he sure looked good in that photo-op of all those fallen trees in Vancouver."
"He didn't do anything though did he?"
"Heavens no. Just shook his head and clucked his tongue."
"That's a relief. The less he says the better."
"About that..."
"Yessss?"
"Well sir, it seems he misquoted Al Gore."
"Who let him speak?"
"Who was nowhere around. He just said it on his own."
"Does Al Gore know about this?"
"Sorry sir, the cat's out of the bag."
"Baird doesn't have an evil twin does he?"
"Not that we know of sir."
"He does now. Get Stockwell on that. We'll just claim it was his evil misguided brother who escaped from the asylum."
"It might work."
"And sew Baird's lips shut."
"Yessir!"......

A non-stop joyride for the absurd. The Harper Zone.

6 MILLION DOLLAR GEM HEIST IN TORONTO
Topic: February 7, 2007
"Stockwell? It's me. Stephen."
"Good morning sir. What's up?"
"I'm looking at the morning paper and I like what I see!"
"Which story are you referring to sir?"
"The six million dollar gem heist in Toronto."
"I'm familiar with the story. I'm just confused as to why you would be excited by it."
"Just how long have you been part of Team Harper Stockwell?"
"Uh, quite awhile now sir."
"Is that right? That long eh? I'm surprised you don't see the opportunity knocking on our door with this story."
"Opportunity sir?"
"It's  perfect  for us to get those seats away from the NDP. Don't you see it?"
"The NDP? No sir, I'm afraid I still don't follow."
"We plant a story or two with the media, both conventional and online, that Svend Robinson may have been seen lurking around this jewellery store."
"But sir-"
"Let me finish. We blow it out of proportion and humiliate the NDP. The public then votes for us instead of them in the next election."
"But sir, I pretty much doubt that Svend was anywhere near there."
"Who cares?"
"He's not even a member of parliament anymore."
"Who cares?"
"Won't the public be able to see through this sir?"
"Ha! They didn't see through Afghanistan did they? Now it's too late. Say, maybe we can twist this into the story too. Anyone who believes Svend is innocent doesn't support our troops."
"I'll get to work on it sir."
"See that you do."

MP GARTH TURNER TO JOIN LIBERALS
Topic: February 6, 2007
"Welcome aboard Garth."
"Thanks Stephane. I'm looking forward to writing about our new partnership."
"Uh, about that..."
"I'm sure my blog readers will look forward to our daily antics. I'm sure we'll get a significant number of hits to the site. I'm so excited."
"Uh, Garth about the blog..."
"Hey! I know. We could do a webcast at the ceremonies."
"There really isn't much of a ceremony Garth. Just a couple of forms to sign and you're in. Our Human Resources Manager will be happy to show you. It only takes a couple of minutes. You can do it in her office."
"I'll bring my laptop. How's the lighting? Never mind, I'll bring in a couple of spot lamps just to be safe. I'll have it all set up in a matter of minutes."
"Uh, Garth? Who's that woman peering in your window? She looks dangerous."
"Oh, she's nothing to worry about."
"But she's wailing and moaning."
"It's Elizabeth May. She'll get over it. Tell you what I'll do. I'll draw the blinds. There. Isn't that better?"
"Yes it is, thanks. Now back to business, we thought we'd seat you next to Belinda Stronach in The House."
"That no good flea bitten-"
"Garth. You're on our side now, remember?"
"That poor misunderstood woman. I'd be happy to have her at my side."
"Glad to hear it. Now I need the two of you to work on getting The NDP to join us too."
"I'll start on Layton."
"Excellent."

WILL HE OR WON'T HE SEE HIS SHADOW
Topic: February 2, 2007
"I've been looking forward to this day for months."
"Me too. It's so exiting."
"The anticipation just builds and builds."
"I'm worried though."
"Oh ya? What about?"
"It's obvious. If he comes out and sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of this."
"You're a, the glass is half-empty type of thinker aren't you? Why don't you try thinking about what if he doesn't see his shadow?"
"I don't think we could ever be that lucky."
"That's enough of those negative waves. Think positive. We need to emit positive energy so that maybe, on a different level, he can pick up on it. It could mean a huge difference."
"You really believe in this stuff don't you?"
"Of course. We've got to believe in something. If we don't, we lose all hope. At least this gives us a chance to feel good. To dream, to hope. You got to have hope. What's the point of going on if you don't have hope? Can you imagine this never ending? It's got to end sooner or later. Nothing lasts forever. So if you believe that it will change, it's just a matter of when and if you can target a when, the dream becomes a reality. No, we need this. We need to hope."
"That's a lot of pressure don't you think?"
"I don't know, all we need to do is have Jack Layton not see his shadow and force an election."
"Shhh! His office door is opening... he's coming out!"

TORIES UPSET AT FAT JOKE BY DION
Topic: January 31, 2007
"Where the hell is the Haagen Dazs?"
"Right here sir. I've arranged them by flavour for you. Would you like to wait until you're finished the KFC?"
"I asked for the ice cream. That means now. I'll have them together."
"You can't let those bullies get to you."
"I'm not afraid of Stephane. I can take that four-eyes any day of the week. Where's the chocolate sauce? Where does he get off making fun of my tummy in public?"
"Unmitigated gall."
"I think I'm gonna wait for him outside after session. We'll see who the big man is then won't we?"
"Don't lower yourself to their level sir. It's un-Primeministerial."
"I'll stomp him into oblivion... and his little dog too."
"Couldn't we just send in some hired goons sir? It's more anonymous. We could Nancy Kerrigan him."
"I like it. Get some of Stockwell's boys on that."
"You sure he's up to something like this?"
"Maybe not. I'll call George, he'll know what to do. Make yourself useful, hand me those gummy bears."
"Shouldn't we keep this in-house?"
"Well, who would you suggest then?"
"Why don't we get Peter MacKay to do it?"
"That's a great idea! Even if he's caught red-handed, he'll just keep on denying that he ever did it. That reminds me, you better give the photo-op corps the night off."
"That's why you're in charge sir, you always think of everything."
"Well he's at it, he might as well see if he can do Layton too."

ENVIRONMENT COMMISSIONER FIRED 2 YEAR OLD LETTER HAUNTS HARPER
Topic: Tuesday January 30, 2007
"I really appreciate your help Stockwell."
"It's a pleasure. My shredder is your shredder."
"It's so massive. I can't believe the volume of material it's capable of taking. Where on earth did you get this?"
"I'm not without some influence you know. I know a guy who knows a guy in the CIA."
"The CIA? You bought a shredder from the CIA?"
"Well, not exactly. They donated them to us. We have several."
"I'm not sure I approve."
"Listen Stephen. If any more material like this comes to the attention of the Liberals you could end up looking like more of hypocrite than you do now."
"Yeah who'd have thought the Liberals would drag a letter from the past out?"
"Especially one confirming you are more concerned with the oil industry than you are the environment."
"Good thing they don't have their hands on these babies eh?"
"If they leaked out, we couldn't buy a vote in a prison with a handful of pardons."
"At least the public still trusts us. Wow! This thing just made confetti out fifty sheets."
"I told you they were good."
"But they came from the CIA?"
"The finest quality. Stephen, between you and me, did you have anything to do with Gelinas being fired?"
"Who me? Say Stockwell, I'm a little nervous about this shredder. There's a button here that says image-capture and another that says transmit."
"I asked about that when was I asking about Maher Arar."
"What did they say?"
"Trust us."

TORIES LAUNCH ATTACK ADS ON DION LAYTON TARGETS BANK FEES
Topic: January 29, 2007
It's moments like this that make me happy I'm the Leader of the Liberal Party. What a great morning. I'm so excited!
Thanks to the Tories attacking my record on the environment, it's going to be a boisterous day. How dare Harper attack me! My colleagues will have a field day with this one. My only fear is that if we push back too hard, we might force an election call.
We're not ready for that yet! God forbid. No, we need more time to get organized and even more time for the public to forget about the sponsorship scandal. I hope Layton doesn't screw it up and force a non-confidence vote. I wonder what Jack is thinking right now...

Ah, what a great morning to be the Leader of the NDP. Dion and Harper are battling each other over the environment while I am left to plan our next great strategy.
I don't dare say anything more about Afghanistan. Each time I do, Harper makes it look like I am unpatriotic. Like I don't support our troops or something.
I know. I'll go ahead with my plan to attack bank fees. Yeah that's it, bank fees. I still hold the balance of power, for now. If we get rid of bank fees, we'll be heroes. Maybe we can win thirty seats in the next election if he doesn't call one too soon. I wonder what Harper's thinking...

I can't believe the Hawks beat the Flames in OT on Saturday.